CSM Campaigns

 
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Robert Fortis for CSM9

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Author
Gallente Federation
#1 - 2014-02-25 05:07:32 UTC  |  Edited by: CCP Dolan
Having consulted extensively with my closest advisers (namely the little gremlin that appears when I drink; I've named him Everclear), I have decided that the time has come for me to announce my candidacy for CSM9. The Time is Long Past, say I, for the CSM to Truly become a true Politcal Body. To join the ranks of such August Assemblies as the United States Congress, the Roman Senate, and the Duelist's Convocation International, the CSM requires, nay, Demands one thing. A drunken idiot who embarrasses the body and everyone involved, makes a fool out of himself at every opportunity, and is highly corrupt.

Like everyone in the United States Congress, Roman Senate, and Duelists Convocation International.


Who am I?

I'm glad you asked, potential voter. I am some random scrub who bought the game when it went on sale for $2 on Steam. I promptly got blown up multiple times, usually involving an Imicus, nullsec, and poor decisions. I assure you, the cat was fine and no charges were pressed.

I can barely fly battlecruisers, don't have Power Grid Management 5, and built up my wallet at first by AFK mining in hi-sec. In short, I am exactly the kind of buffoon that the CSM needs to round out it's membership by providing a crucial insight into the key Idiot demographic.


What do I drunkenly stumble for?

My campaign platform is as follows. If elected, I promise, if I can be bothered, to:

  • Make an ass out of myself at all times.
  • Make an especially big ass out of myself at the funniest times.
  • Hit on all female members of the CSM. And maybe a few of the male ones for good measure.
  • Hit on all female members of CCP. And the male ones. Have you seen HTFU? They've got some lookers.
  • Get spectacularly drunk at all CCP events, CSM meetings, and downtimes in order to consult with my adviser.
  • Make offensive statements such as: Minmatar ships look sturdy and well designed, Gallente aren't the best empire, Amarr seem totally friendly and sane, Sov mechanics are perfect as is, Hi-sec afk mining is the greatest profession, N3/PL didn't need those titans anyway, and EVE players are NOT a bunch of sociopaths.
  • Get caught in compromising situations with Female Exotic Dancers, Male Exotic Dancers, as many Illegal Boosters as I can buy, and Genetically Engineered Livestock.
  • Embezzle any and all campaign donations and blow them on the items mentioned above. Donations accepted in ISK, dogecoin and booze.
  • Break any and all campaign promises. (Except for that last one.)



So do your civic duty and vote for me, Robert Fortis.

THE LUNATIC EVE ONLINE NEEDS.


Dogecoin address for "campaign donations." May result in lost doges; I've got no idea if i need to put spaces or not.
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#2 - 2014-02-25 10:02:17 UTC
A true CSM. Not the CSM we deserve, but the one that we need.

Can't shoot blues if you don't have any. Long Live NPSI.

Curatores Veritatis Alliance
#3 - 2014-02-25 11:28:06 UTC
Robert Fortis wrote:
the CSM requires, nay, Demands one thing. A drunken idiot who embarrasses the body and everyone involved, makes a fool out of himself at every opportunity, and is highly corrupt.


They had one...but they kicked him out.

BoBwins Law: As a discussion/war between two large nullsec entities grows longer, the probability of one comparing the other to BoB aproaches near certainty.

Federation Uprising
#4 - 2014-02-25 22:45:35 UTC
Tl;dr: Vote for me because I'm an idiot?
Clockwork Pineapple
#5 - 2014-02-26 00:11:37 UTC
YoYoMommy wrote:
Tl;dr: Vote for me because I'm an idiot?


He's honest, at least.

"Look any reason why you need to talk like that? I have now reported you. I dont need to listen to your bad tone. If you cant have a grown up conversation then leave the thread["

Gallente Federation
#6 - 2014-02-26 01:09:27 UTC
YoYoMommy wrote:
Tl;dr: Vote for me because I'm an idiot?


Because I'm a funny idiot.
Caldari State
#7 - 2014-03-06 00:59:02 UTC
Why is a non serious candidate CSM post stickied?

Executive Editor, CSM Watch || Writer, Co-host of the Cap Stable Podcast || Twitter: @Lanctharus

#8 - 2014-04-05 15:27:26 UTC
C C P Alliance
#9 - 2014-04-07 15:45:40 UTC
This is a campaign thread was created by a character who is not a candidate in the CSM9 elections, as such i will be locking it.

CCP Dolan | Community Representative

Twitter: @CCPDolan

Gooby pls

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