Chaos over Kulheim!

News reaches Gutter Press of a series of bizarre incidents in the skies of Kulheim, many attributed by RSS personnel to the large numbers of capsuleers and ship crews transiting through the RSS station in order to attend social events.

The first incident was a chaotic and destructive battle between heavily modified vending machines in the Interbus departure lounge. Eyewitnesses report that bored Sebiestor crewmembers had altered a drinks vending machine to use a pneumatic cannon to fire drinks cans across the room. A rival group then modified a noodle extruder with a form of kinetic lance, and the two machines engaged in battle, joined by several other vending machines as other teams formed.
Station maintenance and biohazard containment teams took several hours to clear up the scene.
“I didn’t even know we had a noodle extruder here”, said one technician.
“The Fleet boys and girls just get drunk and fight with each other. That’s a much easier mess to clean up”, said another tech.

Later, station police apprehended an intoxicated Sebiestor capsuleer, clad only in a gasmask and boots, who was apparently attempting to disassemble station hull plating as it was “the right thickness for a drinks trolley”.
“She had unscrewed several hull panels on the inner hull, and brandished her screwdriver when we apprehended her”, said one station policeman.
“Funny thing about that is though, that those panels are supposed to be nanowelded, so where that pile of screws came from is a mystery”, said another.
“She wouldn’t take her gas mask off, so we don’t have her full name, so we just looked up her shoulder tats, then called her clan to come pick her up”, said a desk sergeant.
“She was really cute though, well, I think she was, Couldn’t really tell with that gasmask on of course”, said a young Sebiestor policeman.

It was not all destruction and mayhem though, as several areas reported that roaming gangs of bored crewmembers had upgraded and repaired many station systems, including air circulation & water recycling, and improved the efficiency of the amenity greenhouse growlamps.
“They’ve cleared like, nearly all the maintenance backlog”, said a station technician.
“Even with cleaning up the mess, we’re now 3 months ahead, rather than 6 months behind”, said a senior engineer.

Meanwhile, on Kulheim itself, a shower of meteors was found instead to be numerous crates of frozen MREs, apparently discarded from a passing ship.
Despite the heat of the re-entry, observers on the ground from a nearby mining colony noted that the outsides of the packaged meals were scorched and incinerated, while the inside was “barely defrosted and inedible”.
“How on Matar can you turn noodles and meatballs into something that won’t even defrost properly when it deorbits uncontrolled through an atmosphere ?” asked a local mining technician.

Gutter Press. News.


Electus Matari shuttle service to the Tribal Wheelhouse takes no responsibility whatsoever for actions or conduct of capsuleers or crew utilizing the service in the waystation.

We are grateful to the Kulheim RSS station for the past 15 years of co-operation and look for more for generations to come.

PS. I recommend The Shackled Amarr on Kulheim RSS for a spacer hangout.


Uh, I may need to get in touch with my pa again. This sounds like one of his “hilarious stories.” Right down to the still-frozen middle bits.

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I mean, it’s Kulheim. The whole damned place is bizarre.