Introducing: The CompanionSphere!(r)(tm)

(yellow parasol) #1


Does Space feel lonely sometimes? Wouldn’t it be great to have someone beside you, who will always be there for you, protect you and guide you? Are you too tired of being all alone in a spaceship, forced to share a system with unknown strangers?

After finishing behavioural studies covering capsuleers of all empires, the UpYours Consortium concluded that the emptiness of space is the root cause of feelings of loneliness in highsec capsuleers. The studies prove, that 78.4% of all highsec capsuleers regularly feel that Space is “really big” (actual quote). They seek new ways of socializing, without having to bother, or suffer, from the drags of having to deal with real people they do not actually wish to encounter, or interact with.

Ladies and Gentlemen! Introducing: The CompanionSphere!®™

The CompanionSphere is your new personal friend, available for all Omega capsuleers! Your personal friend, The CompanionSphere!®™, is the only friend you ever need.

The Featureset:

  • With all CompanionSphere!®™ included comes a free chatroom of unlimited size, password protected (!), so only the owner of The CompanionSphere!®™ is able to enter. Safety first!

  • Every CompanionSphere!®™ is programmed to always agree with you! You’ve read that right! :smiley: We guarantee that every CompanionSphere!®™ will, 100%, always confirm that you are absolutely correct! Trolls will have NO CHANCE of hoping to effect you EVER AGAIN! :smiley:

  • To make sure that everyone knows you’re a proud owner of a CompanionSphere!®™, each CompanionSphere!®™ is designed to appear brighter than any known star in New Eden, with configurable design features such as periodic and variant blinking rates, rainbow palette or the good old SmileyFace! :slight_smile: :smiley: :grin: Express your feelings, thanks to CompanionSphere!®™

But wait, there’s more!!

  • Included free of charge, every CompanionSphere!®™ comes with the ability to reduce mundane tasks of every day’s ordinarity! Such as mining! Do others still sit in belts, forced to change asteroids every few minutes? Say no more! Your personal CompanionSphere!®™ will take care of it, so you don’t have to! Gone are the times of splitting your attention, now you can just stop paying any WHATSOEVER! :smiley: Doesn’t this sound like a great deal? :smiley:

  • For those who can NOT believe i’m not done yet, your personal CompanionSphere!®™ will also deal with any and all rats, belt or not, no matter the size! By shooting from a carefully implemented DoomsDay Device (which we, at UpYours, lovingly call WoWzer!), you will always be safe and protected from any and all rats who dare craving your attention! And as a bonus, you are keeping all the bounty for yourself! :smiley:

  • Overclocked multi-faction ECM, triggering automatically at any unfair hostile notrealPvP*** aggression towards your ship! Your CompanionSphere!®™ is, and forever will be, the big brother you always wished for, protecting you from the hardships and dangers of Life itself!

  • Additional features of your all inclusive CompanionSphere!®™, available as configurable modules free of extra charge include: Your personal repper, cap transfer, sensor booster and highly regarded among our beta testing customers, the local silencer and afk uncloaker, and many more!

Buy your own CompanionSphere!®™ now, for only 5000 PLEX each! It will be your best friend forever, it will never leave your sight, will always support you and suddenly Space is the wonderful, happy place you always wanted it to be!

** maybe satire
*** actual term commonly used by experts of the profession

[Wanted] Writers for satire blog
(Arcanith Lionheart) #2

But the real question is, can I call it Jeff in honour of Jeff the Friendly Gurista?

(Sonya Corvinus) #3

The only companion any of us need in space is our own Chloe

(Linus Gorp) #4

I’m sure CCP already drafted plans to actually implement something like this. Would fit neatly with their track record over the last few years.

(Dior Ambraelle) #5

I met a few sleepers during the last event who were similar to Jeff. They just warped in and did nothing.
Unfortunately I couldn’t complete the site otherwise, so I had to shoot first.

(Lukett MyDabb) #6

I mean, just because EVE is available through steam doesn’t mean Valve is gonna bite for the Portal reference, do your homework.

but besides that sounds like a great idea, one that can be complemented by another idea I came up with:

(Mina Sebiestar) #7

Cannot barrel roll whata crappy sphere .

(ISD Fractal) #8

(ISD Fractal) #9

Closed for trolling.