Abe is a man that lives life on a knife-edge; although initial impressions are that of a amenable, some would even say cheerful soul, the slightest hint of something not going his way will stir a beast that dwells within.
Abe has the most powerful temper in New Eden.
I discovered him in a supermarket carpark on a busy Saturday afternoon, he’d already circled a couple of times without finding a suitable spot to park his pink Fiat Multipla. When I turned up on the scene he was attempting to wedge the monstrosity of automotive design into a single, barriered motorcycle bay. Outraged at the apparent size disparity between cars and motorcycles, he jumped from his lofty driving position and proceeded to punch both the car and the bay into submission.
Passers-by were aghast, I overheard one conversation “this is a Waitrose for christ sake, doesn’t he know Lidl is just around the corner?”. I quickly used The Congregations free valet parking service and caught up with Abe as he was smashing a 50 pence piece into the pound slot on a trolley. As I touched his shoulder and passed a 0-CAL trolley token keyring (which all members receive) into the palm of his already open hand, his rage instantly subsided. He released the trolley from it’s shackles and was visibly emotional.
“Can you teach me” he muttered through quivering lips, I put my arm around him and started to lead the way to the pick and mix sweet section, “I’ll try”.
If only I could harness this anger, maybe isolate this massive catecholamine hormone output and synthesise into a booster for our pilots. This could give us a unique edge in the face of battle.
I passed him a fizzy cola bottle, laced with horse tranquiliser and got him back to the lab. After I hooked up a discrete adrenal gland siphon I processed his app into corp.
Alas, despite my work, his glands were too powerful to control. On one occasion a spaceship module failed to engage, resulting in the demolition of Abes spare room. Another almost ended in catastrophe when a misinterpreted ping lead to an office manager being flushed into Hampshire’s sewage systems.
I had to call it a day, but how to end this? Luckily The Congregation is a resourceful organisation, able to deploy countermeasures for any situation with ease. I pulled the trigger on our “Girlfriend” protocol and set our agents into action to find an appropriate pairing.
Abe has now retired from Eve; only to be seen walking the aisles of Ikea, picking out soft furnishings with a serene demure.
He’s led away from the flat pack furniture for obvious reasons.