"Forget the tech! All we gotta do is scour every database on this station - Find the first ever recorded Jovian sextape - Bam! Zillionaires overnight!" [Zarzakh One-Shot]

[Zarzakh One-Shot]

“Not every day you get to step foot on a genuine Jovian station… We’re not here to be tourists or anything, we all got a job to do… There’s a lot to do and we need to stay focused - But man… It’s a strange feeling to be walking around in this thing. It’s not normal… Or at least, It’s made me think about what I’ve considered normal In my life. I’m looking into a dead society and culture and only have my own as a point of reference. I think it humbles you a bit… For me that is, I can’t really speak for the rest of these wretched louts… But we are in uncharted territory, everything around us is strange and alien. We don’t belong here… And I’m okay with that.”

  • Anonymous pirate

“Forget the tech! All we gotta do is scour every database on this station - Find the first ever recorded Jovian sextape - Bam! Zillionaires overnight!”

September 22nd - YC 125

Zarzakh - The Fulcrum - [???]

“Command, it’s Nera. We’ve arrived at the designated section. Proceeding as planned to restore power to this level of the station. How cop? Over… Command! Come in!.. ■■■■■■■ hell… Rex! Do you got comms?"

"… Nah, nothing here. Bunny Boy?

“it’s Jeho… Im getting static. Should we fall back Ma’am?”

“Negative… Unless you wanna be the one to tell our commanding officers why we turned tail after it took us two hours to get down here and waste everyone’s time.”

“I’ll… Pass.”

“Then it’s settled. We continue with the mission. We can catch a service lift ride back up once the power has been restored. Eyes up! Stay close and move slow! Let’s get this done people!”

< Squad marching forward >

"… Soooo… This Deathless guy, right?’

“Rex, this really isn’t the time.”

“Sure it is Nera! What better time is there to contemplate the hell we signed on for than now as we delve into the dark depths of some ancient Jovian station that shares it’s star system with a black hole…?”

“You sound like you’re getting cold feet.”

"Cold feet? Nah bunny boy. My feet are warmed up and ready to take this entire station for what it’s worth! Professors back in Callie said I wasn’t gonna amount to ■■■■, and yet here I am exploring ancient Jovian superstructures! Shows them… That said, doesn’t mean I can’t realize the absurdity of what I’m doing right now in my life and I have some questions…”

“Okay… But why are you asking about that Deathless… Thing.”

“Oh yeah. So he’s… Tied to the station? Y’know, like an egger with a ship?”

“I guess that’s how it works?”

“Right. So does that mean he IS the station much like eggers are with their ships?”

“… I-I suppose? I dunno man. I don’t get paid enough to know these things…”

“I’m asking because if that’s how it works, then why the ■■■■ are we here? Couldn’t he just flip a switch in his head and restore the power here? Nera, what do you think?”

“I think the both of you talk way too goddamn much and are gonna give our position away!”

“…To ■■■■■■■ who? Everyone here is dead!”

“As far as we know… I wouldn’t put it past these Jove to load this station to the brim with advanced security measures…”

“If we trip a security measure, it’s not gonna be from me running my wide mouth about meaningless ■■■■■■■■. It’s gonna be because bunny boy here steps on some loose tile and we get torn to shreds by a bunch of flaming arrows or some ■■■■ shooting out of the walls!”

“W-What is this? Pillagers of the last Monastery?”

“Hey! That was actually a dope ass reel! I’m surprised you know that one bunny boy! Hendrix Polomore made that holo-reel with his performance!”

“Yeah, but I feel the quality was brought down by them casting Thrillo X as the villain. I-I think he should have just stick to his music career and finished that mystery album he hyped up and been working on for like… Ten years now?”

“You know what? I actually agree with you bunny boy. In fact! I think he should cut his first music video for that album here on this station…”

“… I’m sorry? What?”

“Think about it! How hard of a flex would it be if you cut your music video from the interior of a Jovian outpost? It wouldn’t even have to be a good song! It could be the wackest ■■■■ he ever wrote and it wouldn’t matter if his backdrop was just this dark ass hallway!”

“Okay Rex…”

"I’m serious! You wouldn’t be able to top that! Everyone out there cutting videos in front of their asteroid mansions and ■■■■■■■ expensive supercars! This is real! This would be original! Eyes of the whole cluster on us right now and this would be the place to announce your next album by dropping your single with the accompanying music video featuring this station.

“Right, and next you’re gonna tell us we should start cutting porno reels out of this station…”

< Rex stopping >

“You say that and… That got me thinking.”

“Oh spirits…”

“Boys! Why the ■■■■ are we stopping!?”

“Hol-Hol-Hold up! Hold up! Let me explain!”

“■■■■ you Rex! We keep moving!”

“Just let me get this out Nera! Alright?! It’s gonna torture me the rest of this ■■■■■■■ journey if I don’t say it now!”

“… Alright fine! Whatever! Go for it!”



“… Jovian Sextape.”

“■■■■ you.”
“What the hell are you on about?”

“Hear me out! Hear me out! You’re gonna tell me… A structure this big with as many little Jovians that could have been running around filling it, and in the mountain of secrets that would be hiding in whatever databases we find down here that we wouldn’t stumble across a Jovian sextape?”

“No we won’t you ■■■■■■■ degenerate! What is wrong with you?!”

“How do you know for sure, bunny boy?”

“Don’t they clone to reproduce?!”

“Hold on now, has every porno reel been made with the intent to reproduce?”

“I dunno fuckhead! I just figured they moved on from such things because they didn’t need to ■■■■ children into people anymore!”

“Okay so we would stumble across a video of two Jovians sensually touching one another-”

-Sensually ■■■■■■■ touching one another!?-"

“-Yes, they will be touching each other in weird ways that we wouldn’t comprehend until we later find a file documenting Jovian mating rituals and put two and two together and realize that video was some kink ■■■■.”

“What kind of ■■■■■■■ crackpot gutter brain theorycrafting are you on right now?!”

“I’m talking about where the goddamn money is at right now!”


“Forget the tech! All we gotta do is scour every database on this station - Find the first ever recorded Jovian sextape - Bam! Zillionaires overnight!”


“The cluster would go apeshit over a leaked Jovian sextape! Impetus would sign their entire company over to me if I can get my hands on that video!”

“Your hands!?”

“Oh yeah, if I’m being on the level? I’d absolutely shoot both of you in the back and run off with It. I ain’t sharing that discovery. Outta your damn minds…”

“Oh! You’d shoot me in the back?”

“Damn straight I would bunny boy!”

“You’d shoot me in ■■■■■■■ the back over a video of two Jovians holding hands?!”

“Now this is under the assumption it would be just two Jovians. It could be five or ten in the video!”

“You’re a dipshit-”

“-I’m gonna be a rich dipshit when I-”

< Nera firing her rifle off at the ceiling >
< Booming acoustics>

“-God dammit! My ■■■■■■■ ears!”
“-Wanna warn us before you do that?!”



“… I will shoot both of you right ■■■■■■■ now if you keep this up We have a mission to do and you clowns are wasting time and oxygen mouthing off about the stupidest ■■■■ in this cluster! I will finish this job myself if I have to! Now fall in line and start acting like ■■■■■■■ soldiers! Understood?!”

“Yes Ma’am…”

“Good… Substation should be around the corner. Let’s-”

< Ominous echo >

“… The ■■■■?”

“… Ignore it Jeho. Let’s get moving people! Sooner the power is back on the sooner we can get back topside!”

< Door sliding open >

“… This looks like the place.”

“What gave it away? The computers? The fact we’re looking at something that isn’t just a wall for once or are you just psychic?”

“I’m still willing to do this mission by myself if you two assholes want to keep pushing buttons.”

“Hey that was Rex, I ain’t say anything yet.”

“You just did.”

“■■■■, alright got me…”

“Rex. You’re watching the door. Jeho, come with me.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

< Nera and Jeho walking forward >

“You still got the chip the cyborg ■■■■■ gave us?”

“This thing? Yeah.”

“Look for a port to stick it into…”

“What’s it supposed to do?”

“The work for us…”


< Ominous Echo >

< “… There’s that ■■■■■■■ sound again!” >

“Ignore it Rex!.. And keep your weapon up for ■■■■’s sake! You running security for Fedmart or something?!”

< “Alright, Alright…” >

“… Nera! Think I found it!”

“Plug us in!”

“On it”


< Systems booting up >

“… ■■■■ is all this?”

“What? Have you never seen an interface written in Jovian text?”

“… Have you?”

“No, but that’s obviously what this is…”

“Well we can’t read this!”

< “Should have paid more attention in school, bunny boy!” >

“… Okay Mr.”My professors thought I wouldn’t amount to ■■■■.” You’re so right!”

“Holy ■■■■, I’m in command of two children. Enough! The chip is gonna take care of all the inputs for us… See?”

“…So what is it doing right now?”

“… Turning stuff on? Doesn’t seem instant…”

“… You know, Rex actually kinda did make a point. IF that Deathless guy is hooked into the station and all… And should in theory have control of the station like a Capsuleer… Why couldn’t he turn this stuff on remotely?”

“… It’s simple. Think of the station as a body with many missing limbs… if it’s detached, your brain can’t send signals for it to move, right?”


“There you go… Our job is to try and piece this station back together one level at a time…”

< “You think if I pissed in a corner, that Deathless guy would feel it?” >


< “It’s a legitimate question. HAVE any of you seen a designated bathroom around here yet? I’ve been using the latrine back on my ship this whole time. That’s not gonna cut it if we’re supposed to be delving deeper and deeper…” >

“Just ignore him…”

< “…You Guristas are no fun.” >
< Ominous echo >

“That time it sounded… Different? Closer maybe?”

“Maybe it’s this part of the station waking up.,…”

“How long is it going to take?”

“I don’t know… Rex! Say something useful and give me a status! How do we look?”

“…Rex? Where the ■■■■ did he go?”

“… Taking a piss outside?”

“Did you hear the doors open?”

“I… Think that echo drowned it out?”

< Computer error sound >

“…■■■■! No!No!No!”

“What’s happening?!”

“What the ■■■■ do you think?!”

“I don’t know! I can’t read Jovian!”

“It’s locking us out! That much is obvious! Stay alert!”

“Y-Yes Ma’am!”

“Come on Come on… ■■■■ it, I’m just gonna start pressing whatever!”


“Jeho! Do you see Rex yet!?.. Jeho!? Rex?!.. “

< Ominous echo… >

“… ■■■■.”


This topic was automatically closed 90 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.