I wrote some shorts - Cold Blood and Death for Glory

Fiction Portal Player Fiction
1

Hello fellow nerds. I wrote these shorts and below are links to the google docs. Is it better to just paste them here as plain text?

I enjoy thinking about what life might be like for non-capsuleers in New Eden. I think it is ripe for excellent stories that expand the universe. Here are a couple!

One is about life on the fringes of the Amarr Empire space for a mining employee who has an encounter with Blood Raiders. The second is the annual Alliance Tournament through the eyes of some non-capsuleers. Enjoy! And all types of feedback are very welcomed, so please share your thoughts.

Death for Glory (The alliance tournament for normals):

Cold Blood (Dealing with Blood Raiders when your not a capsuleer):

3 Likes
2

Hey, just wanted to say I enjoyed both of these. Short fiction is in a way harder because plotting and pacing have to be very tight, but also freeing in that you can mix broad strokes and minute details with very little worry in between.

One thing that strikes me in both (though perhaps more in Death for Glory, due to it being first person) is that I think it’s possible to drill down further on what these experiences feel like for the subject beyond the unfolding of events. However, those events are believable and the reactions of the characters to the circumstances feel real.

Hope to read more in future!

3

Thank you for this! This is the kind of feedback I was hoping for.

I think I get what you mean by drilling down into what the experiences feel like, but do you have a specific example you can give?

I am assuming the purpose of those additions would be to generate greater connection with the subject and more immersion or richness of the character. My concern is that describing what the experiences feel like might make a difficult ‘show don’t tell’ situation where it is hard to explain what the experiences feel like more than what the characters’ reactions are to those experiences. The first-person ones would definitely be easier to do that with because I can just drop in memories or internal dialogue or whatever.

But if you can give an example of something you wish you knew from one of the characters I think that would help-- something you were wondering what was going on in their head or why they did or didn’t react a certain way.

4

You pretty much nailed it: I’m very character driven. I get wrapped up in what has shaped them into the people that make the choices they do, face the events of narrative in the way that they do. Short fiction presents both opportunities and limitations when it comes to character development, but that’s also dependent on what your goals are as an author. It may not serve the story to have the kind of character that’s easy to identify - sometimes the opposite is true.

Just to indulge for a moment, thinking on Allak from Death for Glory, I interpret him as someone who was able to transmute cynicism through egotism, seeing his choices reverberating through the future of his family and faith. A founder of sorts. His plan is predicated at first on risking his life for money, selling his expertise in an extremely high-stakes situation. How does he respond in the moment when his plan seems destined to fail?

I’m thinking of the passage:

“I need all reps here, I need all reps here! Orbit! Orbit!” Melinda calls. They are blitzing us… “Kill the Oracle! Kill the Oracle! Quick, quick, quick!”

They are trading everything for the Bargh…

A few heartbeats later I feel the violent rumble of missile impacts and blaster rounds ripping apart the armor of the ship. My teeth rattle in my jaw as the ship thunders to the pounding of enemy ordinance.

Panic grips my chest. My face feels flush– it can’t be. The shields are gone already?

Allak’s experience of panic and his response to it could be a pivotal moment, if not for the plot then for the reader to identify more deeply the sort of person he might be. How would this passage feel if we read how it affects Allak as paralyzed by dread? How would it feel if we read Allak as wrestling with fear and exercising clinical discipline at a crucial moment? What would the difference convey, even though the scene plays out the exact same way?

It’s the experience of embodied terror that show us Allak’s real vulnerability (one we understand deeply), but his experience of and response to that moment that reveal what sets him apart, make him the central figure of this story. Perhaps in first person this has the greatest impact, since there is no other perspective to provide narrative detail. But as I mentioned, Allak already makes sense.

All of this is meant to speculate in a general sense, and it is merely a measure of personal preference for me as a reader. Again, depending on the story you want to tell and how you wish to reveal (or conceal) the character’s inner workings, these points may not have a great deal of value.

5

The quality of your writing left me wanting more. Your work is exceptionally good.

6

Thank you!

Also, fun fact-- the comms in Death for Glory are excerpts from the actual comms. I didnt have them at first but I posted the story to reddit awhile ago and one of the members of the alliance commented and I asked if they sent me the real comms Id put it in and they did.