Such a pedigree in good posting will definitely have my vote.
It is my hope that my posting will rub off on them, failing that, I will tirelessly relay the critical feedback and concerns from our good posting citizens.
This product and or service has my wholehearted support and endorsement
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Baculus knows how to take things seriously while also posting good and not being a humorless dingus, but is also someone I legitimately trust to be an advocate for all players, and that I can see being a force for good.
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Baculus is a good dude and writes informative stuff, I’d be thrilled to have him as a CSM rep!
I know a lot about this topic honestly because believe it or not, I’ve spent a lot of time around gorillas. I don’t mean, like, in the jungle and ■■■■, like I’ve never been in the jungle taking pictures of gorillas humping or whatever. But I definitely have, like, in-depth experience, like, observing gorillas, though they weren’t exactly normal gorillas.
And let me start by saying that there’s no way a person, even a super-strong dude, could ■■■■ with a gorilla. I mean, these bastards are fuckin strong. You can’t really see the muscles or whatever because they’re covered in fur or whatever, but your average gorilla is fuckin ripped. Not like he has a six-pack and he’s all Schwarzenegger, because again, he has all this fur all over his arms and ■■■■, but your gorilla can fuckin throw down, trust me on this. I don’t even want to hear about human peak potential or any of that ■■■■. You take that dude and put him in a cage with a gorilla and I don’t even care, that ■■■■ is over.
See, for a while Mensa Ops or the CIA or whatever had a total hard-on for, like, intelligent gorillas. It’s funny, the way I heard it went down is some general or some ■■■■ went to the zoo and saw this gorilla, like, flip his ■■■■ and throw this huge tire at, like, the glass wall of the exhibit? And then the ■■■■■■■ gorilla, like, sat down and started playing with this newspaper, not reading it exactly, but still, this is clearly, like, a sophisticated animal, right? So this general gets all stoked on breeding soldier gorillas or some ■■■■, I guess. It sounds kind of dumb but I can tell you that that’s how a lot of crazy defense ■■■■ gets dreamed up, just some general out with his kids at the zoo or the museum or something.
So after working on it for a while the guys in Cognitive Application Research came up with these headbands with all these little electrodes and ■■■■ in it, and you basically put this fuckin thing on a gorilla and he just becomes quite intelligent. He can’t talk, still, but he can do all this sign language ■■■■, and he can follow directions pretty good and all that.
The headbands are fuckin boring-looking, though. They’re just these gray strips of metal, kinda. I gave this buddy of mine a lot of ■■■■, fuckin begged him sayin that they should make em full-on visor glasses like Geordi LaForge, y’know? Just turn that stupid headband into these cool sci-fi-lookin shades, kinda. I got pretty excited thinking that we would have a bunch of Geordi LaForge gorillas bumping around the base, but it didn’t happen.
Anyway, the project never really took off because as it turns out, you can only make these fuckin gorillas so smart. I mean, they’re smart but they have issues of their own, kinda. Which isn’t me, like, shittin’ on the gorillas, I mean, everyone has their hang-ups. But they figured out that just because you make a gorilla intelligent, that doesn’t mean you make em, like, motivated. These fuckin gorillas, all they would do is sit around and watch cartoons, they love cartoons. Cartoons and seafood, seriously. I don’t know why gorillas are so gung-ho for fuckin seafood, but it’s all they ever want to eat. It’s like one of em must’ve had some fish, and he was probably all stoked because it’s not like gorillas ever get to eat fish when they’re up in the trees, right? So he told all his buddies about how awesome seafood is and now all they do is sit around watching cartoons and eating fish sticks. Which isn’t even, like, I’m a pretty good cook and I don’t even consider those crappy fish sticks, like, real seafood, but whatever.
And these generals would come in and be all, “You gorillas need to finish your assignments!” Like, lifting heavy boxes and ■■■■ in the warehouse. And these gorillas would look at him and their expression would be all, y’know, ■■■■ off, y’know? I mean, what’s the general gonna do, this gorilla could kick his ass, right? So it’s like, when you make an animal smart, that’s only half the battle.
So then the guys in Cognitive figure, we’ll just fix the headbands, right, they’ll just make em so the gorillas aren’t so fuckin lazy, basically. But when they try to take the headbands off the gorillas, the gorillas are all, RRRRGGGGHHH!!!, right? As in, there’s no way you’re taking off my headband. So it’s a little bit like they’ve created a monster here. They can’t take off the headbands, they can’t make the gorillas do any work, and they can’t, like, kill em because they’re endangered, I mean, these are very expensive and endangered gorillas. So there’s like nine gorillas down on the tenth floor and I’m pretty sure they just sit around all day watching the Jetsons and ■■■■ and eating fish sticks because nobody can figure out what to do with them.
Of course, C.H.E.S.H.I.R.E. and some of those assholes found out about the headbands, and they’re like, “that’s a pretty good idea!”, so they got their own gorillas and they use em as guards for their, like, evil terrorist hideouts and ■■■■. And what’s cool is they’ve figured out how to keep their gorillas, like, on task. They don’t use headbands, they use these crazy masks, like Cobra Commander masks or some ■■■■. And these gorillas have these badass backpacks with flamethrowers and ■■■■, and they’re like totally fearless and fuckin they’re pretty scary-lookin’ too.
But they’re just as distractable or whatever as our gorillas, they just look a lot meaner. You fuckin roll up on one of those guard gorillas and just give him some flash cards or like one of those puzzles with the metal rings you have to get off the stick or whatever, and it’s over. It’s pretty cool because it shows that these are, y’know, these are still, like, intellectually curious animals. And you have to tip your hat to the bad guys anyway because at least they got their gorillas to do something. Our gorillas would probably get their ass kicked by these Cobra Commander gorillas because ours are so out of shape from sitting around eating fish sticks all day. Of course our gorillas would probably show those gorillas some Flintstones or something and then all the gorillas would be useless.
So our guys don’t do anything with gorillas anymore, but, and this is pretty wild, but they do a lot of work with pigs. Because pigs are, y’know, actually very intelligent animals. And they’ve got the pigs, like, figured out, these pigs are workers. They truck ■■■■ around in these little carts, they push these big crates around and ■■■■, they’re actually very strong, these pigs. And they don’t have headbands, which is just as well because I think Geordi LaForge pigs would look pretty stupid. In fact I don’t even know how they do it, because I don’t see any electrodes or tech ■■■■ on these pigs. They must have figured out some other ways to do it, because these pigs look just like normal fuckin pigs except they’re very helpful.
I feel like kind of a dick sometimes because its fun to ■■■■ with the pigs. Like you’ll go up to a pig and he’s all ready to help you out and you’re like, “hey, pig, make me a peanut butter sandwich.” And I mean, the pig can’t make a sandwich, right? He’s just this pig. But he looks at you and he totally understands what you’re asking him to do, I mean, he gets that you’re ■■■■■■■ with him, I think. So he just looks at you kind of pissed off in his piggy way, like, hey ■■■■ you, I don’t have opposable thumbs, how am I supposed to make your sandwich, ■■■■■? So it’s kind of like animal cruelty, I guess, because we’re picking on these pigs a little. But I don’t feel too bad about it, because that kind of comes with the territory, right? I mean, part of being intelligent is being ■■■■■■ with a little bit.
I got high once and told this pig all about it, I was like, “Look, humans are gonna ■■■■ with you, pig, that’s just how the world works. But would you rather be a dumb pig and not know it, or be a smart pig and understand that we’re ■■■■■■■ with you?” Y’know? And he can’t talk but I’m pretty sure he gets it.
I’ve tried to smoke out with a pig but they’re not into that, their work ethic is too good, seriously. I’d like to smoke out with a gorilla but I’m afraid it’d be like the seafood, y’know? I mean, these gorillas are already worthless, you introduce them to weed and they’ll never leave the couch again. I mean on the one hand personally, that’d be pretty fresh, but on the other hand I don’t think we should go there, not even in the name of science, y’know?
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I agree that CSM could definitely use better posters and can attest to Baculus being one of them.
Additionally it’s worth mentioning he had multiple structures erected in his name and all of those went down kicking and strangling enemies with their dying breath.
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I’ll vote for you if you pick Xenuria for a running mate. HE may not be the CSM member people want, but he is the one they deserve.
I’m convinced. You have my vote!
I’m Owen Levanth and I approve your message.
Today is the day folks!
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All aboard the bus
This bus isn’t stopping till Iceland!
Now this is posting
When I told my group of Boy Scouts they would need to look for signs of wildlife on our nature hike, one small bespectacled boy asked, “Do zombies count as wildlife?”
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