Defective product, Extendable Love Rod

Service number: 5440127JKO12667E4479


To whom this may concern. I was gifted the Julian Flavours Extendable Love Rod as a gift during the Julian Flavours Dr. Spice love event.

At first, the product preformed as expected and had provided some truly magical adventures. However, 2 months later it is no longer operating to the specifications as listed on the product insert.

The love telescoping action no longer extends to the full 1 meter, and is currently reaching a terminal apex of about 0.78 meters.

Not only this, but the rigidity of the rod has also been deteriorating. The apex of the rod is no longer holding firm, but droops, in a sad and pathetic fashion.

I’m not sure if this is due to the age of the product, or if it was poorly designed, however, is there a fix for this product, or can it be replaced?

Thank you.

Ax’l Thorne
Sr. Consumer Product Reviewer
Kaalaakiota Product Durability Division.


In the Federation, we petition regulatory organs responsible for consumer protection whenever products fail to perform according to specification. I’m not sure if the State recognizes consumers as a protected class, however.

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  1. Julian Flavour products are from the Federation, as Mr. Julian Flavors is a Federation citizen.

  2. And where did you get the idea that the Julian Flavour’s Extendable Love Rod was a bodily organ / prosthetic / body mod?

Why are Federation citizens so focused on hedonistically sexualizing everything?


Here is a link as the how and why I was gifted the The Dr. Spice extendable love rod.

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Bodily organ? I am using the word “organ” in its governmental sense.

Even if Mr. Julian Flavor is a Federation citizen, I do not believe the government organ responsible for consumer protection would extend its jurisdiction to consumers outside the Federation. Doing so would lead to accusations of federal overreach, and we hear enough of those as matters stand.

If you have suffered harm from the dysfunction of Mr. Julian Flavor’s extendable love rod, however, then federal courts would recognize jurisdiction in whichever district Mr. Julian Flavor resides.

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I don’t think it’s possible to suffer any sort of harm from the Extendable Love Rod, unless you used it to beat the living tar out of someone. But that would defeat the purpose of using that product, and it would probably void the, shifty at best, warranty.

I’ve had issues with Julian Flavours products in the past. I await his response to this inquiry.

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Man, that wacky Julian sure allows his name to be associated with a whole lot of shoddy merchandise.

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Down with this sort of thing. Isn’t that right, darling?

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It’s what we do.


Is it okay to say it in outside voice?

That would make it much easier on organs of state.

There can be only one…

Mr. Thorne,

Could it be that you are applying too much force on your extendable love rod? It is a very delicate and fine piece of equipment, and unlike what we’d all like to imagine, it won’t be able to withstand just any kind of beating.

You are quite muscular, and I imagine you can bend even an iron rod sideways. Perhaps if you restrain your enthusiam while engaging with your rod - don’t get carried away but treat it more gently - it will give you more lasting pleasure.

PS. Thanks for the consumer product reviews, a wonderful initiative!


While Ax’l is a muscly dude, I don’t think he’s ham fisted in such a way as to break things casually.

My dearest and most muscly Ax’l,

I am so sorry for this latest of replies! It is with the deepest apologies that that you have had such a terrible experience with my Love Rod! I would have of course sent a refund and sent you a replacement, but they were limited stocks. It makes matters worse that the Doctor Spice Production Ltd Inc. associated with merchandise has dissolved. This of course is completely unrelated to the rumours that season two of Doctor Spice being cancelled. Which is false of course!

All my love,


In an effort to drum up business and do a little networking myself, I would be more than willing to fork up the ISK and be placed on the waiting list for the second version of the Love Rod for Mister Thorne. Rumored to be in the works either by Flavours himself or one of his (dare I say) competitors?


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