Yes.
I doubt anyone would understand, and I am not skilled enough to convey it.
As far as how I feel? Combat is about as far from God’s desire as we can get. On the scale of “what does God want from us?” I put combat on the end with apostasy, blaspheme, heresy, murder, lies, and the like. So, I try to reconcile the fact that I absolutely love war with the fact that it’s pretty horrible. So, ■■■■■■ if I know.