Let me start by saying I’ve been playing this game for months. I’ve blitzed literally dozens of L4s in my Raven navy issue, mined the dankest rocks in the most dangerous 0.5 systems, and made millions manipulating the PLEX market in Ashab. I’ve even dueled like 3 dudes in Amarr. Add to this the fact that I’m literally a game dev working on a competing space simulator that rhymes with Car Riddilin, I believe this qualifies me as an expert whose opinions are more important than yours.
Contrary to what most of you probably have believed for 16 years, Eve is, in fact, NOT a PVP game. What’s that? You want “facts” and “data?” Well I just so happen to have this choice little statistic:
“100% of Eve players quit because they were ganked.” -Barack Obama, CEO of Pearl Abyss
Think about it. You log in, thinking you’re going to hit that mining laser hotkey and put on your favorite Jordan Peterson/vaporwave mashup playlist on YouTube, only to be waylaid by sociopathic JERKS that think their E-PEEN killboard is more important than your relaxation. Look, some of us work hard at the paperwork factory and we don’t want to go home only to get beaten up in game by nerds with inferiority complexes and more accounts than me. It’s unfair and it needs to be stopped.
I think it’s high time CCP finally admits that turning on PVP in 2016 (or whatever, don’t bother me about this) was the BIGGEST MISTAKE of any game company in the history of planet Earth. Eve was originally envisioned to be a relaxing space simulator with next to no challenge and definitely no risk. Obviously some very bad actors (namely GOONS aka CODE, the CSM, Chribba, et al) successfully launched a straw man campaign full of ad hominems to trick said CCP devs into believing the LIES of the vocal minority who I should tell you I have diagnosed as having anti social personality disorder (I’m a doctor)
PVP is what is ruining this game and I would like to announce my creation of a new governing body to fight back against the fascist CSM AKA GOONS. We are now known as the PVP ENDS EMMEDIATELY PARTY or P.E.E. Party for short.
Our first order of business will be to force safety set to Green in every system except abyssal space, which is the only acceptable space to engage in disgusting, filthy violence.
Secondly, I would like to introduce a CAPTCHA-like system for trading. Trade bots are killing this game, so I propose a tool that will pull up a random post from these forums and to prove you are not a bot you will have to find and name the logical fallacy contained within, if there is one. Any posts containing a fallacious argument will be flagged for biomass and the posters account will be permabanned for 2 weeks. This will make sure our markets are clean and our forums are logical, thus ensuring intelligent discourse. It’s a two birds one stone solution, look forward to many more coming from the P.E.E. Party.
And thirdly (for now), I would like to see every ganker purged and permabanned permanently. If you want to play a PVP game why don’t you go play Fortnite with your friends. Eve is no longer your personal freshman that you can stuff into his locker or pull his pants down during gym class in front of the volleyball team.
The Era of Chaos is over, my friends. It’s time for Eve’s Era of Peace and Tranquility. After all, the best ship is friendship 
(get it?)
Sincerely,
Naari Geten
That was funny to read. 
