The Best Hairdresser In Dam-Torsad Is Not A Terrorist

You know, my home used to be in Nakugard, a nice quaint system in the Ani constellation. But there was always something off about that area. Something that never seemed quite right. A nagging sensation that pricked the back of my head.

And now I know why. It’s obviously a feeder to Roden’s brain pools which makes up the trifecta of evil space triangles. A portal in which space hell was allowed to spill out of. How insidious!

If only I had known, I might have been able to do something about it.

Then again, Roden’s space feather force would most have likely clipped my wings and drowned me in a bucket of psychotropic mind altering blueberry swirl soft serve. Which is currently being manufactured in Miroitem and distributed throughout the Federation. It’s a darn good thing that the State had a trade embargo on such luxurious decadent frozen treats.

Oh woe to the Federation, what can be done?

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Miroitem is the system starting with an “M” I could not remember how to spell! I had no idea Roden was manufacturing a mind altering blueberry swirl soft serve there!

I love blueberry soft serve.

Fortunately, at my age the mind is beyond alteration.

Your experiences in Nakugard only confirm our nightmares. It will be a bit before my spy is able to dispatch contractual obligations fast enough to rise through Roden’s ranks quickly in Rancer, so perhaps Nakugard would be a good easing-in point. Besides, my obsessive compulsive disorder prohibits me from manufacturing frigates until I have worked out every possible material and time efficiency, so casing Nakugard will give me time for all that.

I’d forgotten I’m passably decent at this whole “research and manufacture” thing. Now that I am running for the Gallente presidency, it seems like an appropriate skillset to discover possessing.

Candidly, I probably should have been born…

One moment please…

Diana helmets, everyone! Diana helmets, please!

Candidly, I probably should have been born a coffee-sipping Gallente bohemian instead of an Amarrian mummy. Assuming I was born. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been an old woman.

Not quite that far back, Kuviekins re-emerged from the void with fancy new Jovian technology. There was a big hullabaloo, and a Caldari research scientist defected to the Republic with a bunch of juicy Kuviekin deets. A huge Cluster-wide research project was established to study those deets.

Half of the Caldari pod population boycotted the huge research project because the research scientist’s defection hurt their fifis. Not to be outdone, two thirds of the Amarrian pod population refused to participate because the research scientist defected to the Republic (thereby hurting their fifis). The Caldari mostly kept quiet, but the Amarrians wouldn’t shut up about how they refused to participate. I’m not sure what enraged the Matari, but something did (as something always does), and so the most creative members of the pod community suddenly found themselves with all the oxygen in the room.

I moved to Araz and pursued two veins of inquiry:

  1. Establishing planetary infrastructure necessary to churn out a sufficient number of mainframes, genetically engineered livestock, TMCs, and other cybernetic parts to produce infomorphic sheep using transplanted Athran karakul. I have since relocated the mainframes to Shesha, where my infomorphic sheep are doing quite well.

  2. Studying the Takmahl (noted cyberneticists) who lived in the Araz systems a couple thousand years ago.

Regarding the second topic, I remember discussing the end of the Takmahl civilization. There was a schism between two parties, the names of whom I once knew but don’t really matter. Tak-subscript-1 headed south and west, settling ultimately in Delve and becoming forerunners of the modern Blood Raiders. Tak-subscript-2 headed in the opposite direction, north and east, vanishing spooky vampire style.

Now, despite being just another Amarrian vampire cult, the Takmahl were able to move around in space thousands of years before other Amarrian vampire cults because they stole the sacred space angel relics given to the Amarrians by remnants of Jovian Empire >~ 2.2/

Consequently, although Tak-subscript-2 vanished, their trajectory would have brought them close-ish to the Jin Mei (who have quite elaborate vampire demon myths of their own); the everybody Yang Jung tonight systems of Algintal; and, with a bit of a curve (and space is nothing if not curved), Ani (where they probably ended up getting heart-staked by remnants of Jovian Empire >~1.0&&<~2.2).

But Roden!

Roden, that insidious brain-eating space cuttlefish, comes along thousands of years later. He sets up a “shipyard” in Rancer - which is just a hop (no need for a skip, jump, or step in any direction) from both Algintal and Ani. Obviously, Roden is not inconvenienced by any CONCORD jump drive nonsense. He has been stuffing his face tentacles with the remains of three galactic menaces for decades.

Because they had the good sense to locate themselves in a constellation that does not begin with the letter A, the Talocan can be absolved of any responsibility for anything that has gone wrong in the cluster to date. That’s good for the Talocan. But if Roden’s Rancer brain pool is not found and drained, people all across the cluster will end up having V3’s latest album downloaded into their Egonics headset without asking.

As President of the Federation, I will make draining the brain pool my top priority.

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Encourage all your Gallente chums eligible to vote to vote for Gosakumori Noh in the next Federation election. She shall decant the sewage of the Deep Bureaucracy’s conspiratorial cuttlefish from the porous marshland that is the Federation.

And if she isn’t elected, we shall know just how far Rodan’s tentacles actually reach!

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Oh for Maker’s sake!! I will neither confirm or deny that.

Buttocks?.. Isn’t it the most disgusting part of human body to stare at? Besides the capsuleer jacks, of course.

Ancestors choke! Are you trying to make me feel how hard my glutens are? I don’t think it’s a relevant body part for a Proper Soldier Training. I have way better muscles than that!

More like from the humiliation of gallentean influence.

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Sure is a lot of memetic mayhem going on in here.

@Gosakumori_Noh, if elected, do you promise to end the unjust persecution of the Amarrian Orthodox Church, Sedevacantist? If so, I promise to deliver all the sedevacantist votes in the Federation (concentrated in Jin-Mei space) for you.

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Valerie darling! You remember those incandescent shades of gesticulating pink Diana sweetie turned as you explained to her the artistry of bronze breast buoyancy, yes?

Heavens and layers of the Abyss, darling, no! No, no, no! A fine buttocks is the engine of the bipedal form! Those magnificent muscles are the wings of martial artistry, the source of speed, the pulsing globes of primate power!

Don’t just feel your glutes, sweetie, reach down there and squeeze them! Exult in their strength! Flex that little diamond of a behind! Now, relax it. Cup it in the palms of your hand. Stroke it gently. SQUEEZE! FLEX! Relax. Stroke. SQUEEZE! FLEX!

Without letting go, slide your right foot forward. Experience the motion. Slide your left foot forward. Experience the source of motion. LEAP! You are a natural, darling! Leap!

The next time you march your crew up and down and up and down and up and down the fighter deck, have them leap in flawless synchronization!

@Nauplius Of course, darling! Religious liberty is a fundamental principle of liberal democracy. Diversity is the defining characteristic of Federal pluralism. So is the right to bear an auto-cannon, for that matter, and forming alliances with religious denominations is a sacred tradition of political discourse.

Criminalizing spiritual belief is an attack on not only the constitution, but the concept of constitutional government. It offends the very soul of ordered liberty. Now, “when in Luminaire etc etc,” darling. It will be necessary to comply with applicable regulations regarding crowd sizes, building safety codes, maternity and paternity leave, safe words for dominatrix play, you know, all that…

Jin-Mei space you say?

That’s very interesting, darling. Very interesting!

As I note somewhere above, it is my considered archaeological opinion that Amarr’s first space-faring vampire cult passed through Jin-Mei space on its way to Algintal and Ani, forming the Triple A Triangle Of Ancient (that letter A again) Menace.

I believe Jin-Mei space is also the location of Quafe headquarters… oh, no! As an international gargantuan mega corporation in the refreshment business, Quafe is a natural distributor for Roden’s diabolical Miroitem manufactured blueberry swirl mind control elixir! The Jin-Mei are in terrible danger! Speaking of buttocks, there are no buttocks in all known space finer than those of the Jin-Mei synchronized boy girl idol groups. They must be preserved!

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Talking of buttocks, breast buoyancy and Sedevacantists, have you seen the wonderful film The Scent of Faith yet, lovely? It’s truly incredible!

Even Rodan couldn’t stop Amirah Damali from holding your gaze whenever she was on screen. You may want to contact her to see if she would like to star in a campaign advert of yours!

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Oh, my goodness, darling, no! I had no knowledge of that film. Just reading the synopsis made me reach for my Quafe boysenberry caramel apple popcorn soft serve swirl… you don’t think there’s any blueberry mind control elixir in the boysenberry, do you?

Now, I prefer tiny hard buttocks to wide fertile ones, but as a nun, I don’t judge and there is a magnificent quantum synchronicity happening here. Vampire cults, Jin-Mei boy girl bands, vampire demons joining obscure religious sects. Marvelous!

I am confident it will be possible to ensure belief in the sacred tenants of Sedevac… Sed… Sedva… that “empty throne” stuff remains legal. Even the most Deep Bureaucratic of corrupt judges would be hard pressed to find precedent supporting the criminalization of belief in, like, all the recorded history of liberal democratic jurisprudence. According to my naturalization test prep course, freedom of assembly is also strongly protected, though that one does have carve outs, and… I’m not so sure about using tactical nuclear weapons as religious iconography.

It may be that the way to go for my Jin-Mei Sede… vacan… tist constituents is to rebrand as a film studio instead of a religion. Jin-Mei martial arts fantasy flicks start over the top and go from there; and my goodness, Gallente revere incomprehensible cinemateques the way Amarrians worship Jovian space angels and Caldari worship the sound of a thousand factory boots marching to the urinal troughs in unison.

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Two points.

  1. It was Synthia who made the statue of Silas Vitalia, not me. Replicas are available from the Kaztropol Statue Forge. If you bring your own bronze ingots you get a discount.

  2. I saw an artwork the other day that might be relevant to your interests. But it is too risque for the IGS.

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Synthia! Oh, good heavens, how ghastly of me! I had this gnawing feeling I missed an important detail of Diana sweetie’s dazed interaction with buoyant bronze breasts. After a few centuries, there is just so much already banging around inside fermenting neurons that connections responsible for keeping everything straight get bent.

Tangentially, there is also a fine bronze buttocks on Silas’s statue (which the record should now correctly reflect was presented at Silas’s Murder Party by Synthia of Kaztropol)!

If you require an evaluation if it shall be censored or not, I can provide it if you are able to supply the samples discreetly and in a private manner. I guarantee my estimations to be correct within withheld error margin and that they will minimize all the associated risks.

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I just cannot… The tears… The tears! Every time I read Diana sweetie’s selfless offer to expose herself to the risk of irreparable psychological harm and deep emotional trauma, tears well up in my virtual eyeball interfaces and prevent me from concentrating on anything but the bonds of true friendship. The beautiful, beautiful bonds of true friendship. Sniff… honk!

These moments remind us what it means to be fusions of soggy carbon and exotic metal silicate alloys.

As Madame Le Presidente of the Federation, I shall secure the inalienable rights of federal citizens to believe what their sincerely held religious convictions tell them is true, the right to bear auto cannons in defense of freedom, and the right of friends, true friends, to play online guessing games of “Breasts Or Buttocks?” in the privacy of their own virtual residence projections.

Together, we shall build a great wall to a greater future.

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I presume you will be using your platform as the subject of many holomemes on GalNet to encourage Federation citizens to vote for Gosakumori now, Diana, lovely?

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The Original statue of Silas Vitalia, was a multi-piece Statue composed of several different Metals, to achieve Colour effects. The main body was Gold, with Lady Vitalia’s hair sculpted in Silver. The sword wielded by the Statue was made from mirror-polished Stainless Steel, while the statue’s Shoes were sculpted from Black Bronze.
The accompanying Bhaalgorn figure was pure Copper with silver Horns and Teeth and sapphire Eyes.

The Replicas available from the Statue Forge are all-Bronze in composition, making them Suitable for both Indoor and Outdoor display. The Original is not entirely Suitable for outdoor Display, on account of using different Metals, which could be Vulnerable to Electrolytic Corrosion, if exposed to Rainwater.

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Where can I get one of these?

True warriors charge into battle with mirrored swords that slice muons, black bronze boots, and absolutely nothing else. Silas remains an inspiration for young women with grand aspirations, everywhere. At my age and ability, the best I can do is mirrored sunglasses and a black qipao with sapphire lily brooch.

I absolutely positively adore black qipaos with sapphire lily brooches.

Fate has brought me and the Jin-Mei together.

Fate has done less well connecting my people with Amirah Damali’s people, but I’ve contracted top public relations firm Chiat Jour Jeune and Derliesundfibben to manage my campaign publicity. They agree broad hips have wide appeal among our target wedge demographic.

Regarding replica Silas bronzes, it is my understanding Synthia has a catalog.

Regarding Valerie’s taste in !ART!, we are of one mind. If you ever get tired of Delve, darling, do consider taking up a nice flat in Sinq Liaisons Pax Dangereux. You’ve put in your dues, really now, and life as a goddess of the Candy Sabik would suit you to a tight latex-and-sequin halter.

I do fear Diana sweetie may never look at drones quite the same way again, however…

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You say the sweetest things, darling. But strictly speaking, although I am certainly magical, I’ve been an old woman for as long as I can remember. Now obviously, there was something before, so I cannot rule out the possibility I was once an old man. Perhaps I’ve swapped back and forth over the centuries to avoid creditors and confound detractors.

Yes, that is something I would do.

After all, my new Matari recruit treasure hunter Roden spy, formerly involved with Gabriel’s Tetra Grama Metatron Salon in some capacity, switched to avoid the Ministry of Eternal Nosing About. If a half Brutor half Thukker teenager can think of it, I dare say a half Udorian half Amarrian cyberneticist mummy could have thought of it, too!

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I feel an obligation to give the studio audience closure on whether or not Space Force Marshall Diana darling ultimately judged Valerie’s image suitable for publication. I received the final judgement only moments ago. Though I found the image positively divine, it has been categorized “inappropriate.”

Based on capitalization and punctuation, I fear the decision-making process may have produced collateral damage in nearby plant and staff.

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Was Di-Di’s declaration of “inappropriateness” accompanied by a request for more images to assess, perchance?