The True History of the Caldari-Gallente War

Not many people know the true history of the Caldari-Gallente War. Even if you think you know, you do not. However, in an attempt to foster understanding and peace between our peoples, I present to you, and the rest of the cluster, the true and accurate history of the beginning of the Caldari-Gallente war, one of the greatest tragedies of the cluster.

The beginning of the Caldari-Gallente war started when the president of the Federation went to Caldari Prime for a state dinner. After being served the traditional feast of room-temperature tap water and the Deteis delicacy of white bread, the president met with the senate to arrange a humanitarian mission to bring Gallente food (really just anything edible) to the Caldari.

Their first attempts met with poor success. The Gallente delegation tried to introduce onions into Caldari cuisine, along with basic spices like pepper and nutmeg. The Deteis leadership protested the Gallente Imperialism.

Not easily rebuffed, the Gallente tried an introductory course in cooking techniques, like braising, slow roasting, and pan and deep frying. The Gallente chefs barely made it out with their lives.

Another attempt was made by opening a Gallente Cultural Centre on Caldari Prime, serving haute cuisine to the locals for free. It was burned to the ground after two days.

The Gallente responded to this escalation by bombing Caldari cities with omelets made with chives. The Caldari responded with mass issues of ration bars. Discussion of the use of a Foie Gras occured at high levels of Gallente command, but it was decided to uphold the tradition centuries-old ban on its use in open warfare.

Rather, the Gallente engaged in an all out offensive of sauces, herbs, and spices. After being exposed to a glace, the Deteis leadership declared that Caldari Honor would not accept any more of this utterly, disgusting flavour and that honor would have to be satisfied. The Gallente president, realizing that things were out of hand, called a peace summit. The Gallente would host the Deteis, and serve a traditional Deteis meal of nutritionally balanced grey cubes, room temperature tap water, and white bread. It looked like peace was very possible, so long as the Gallente kept the jus out of sight.

The dinner was going well until the final course. When the Gallente served the white bread, the Caldari found that their hosts had desecrated the dish by putting butter on the bread! Honor demanded that they eat the food their hosts provided, so they did finish the meal. However, honor also demanded that they pay for eating such horrific flavorful food with their lives. The Deteis that went to the dinner party gathered back on Caldari Prime to atone for their shame in what is now known as the Morning of Reason.

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To my fellow Caldari who may feel like getting offended right now…don’t. Step back. Take a deep breath. try to dig up and dust off the ol’ sense of humor. We’re all friends here, and we can laugh with each other.

And it’s just historical truth that Deteis cooking really is that bland.

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I’m not a State sympathizer, but i’m quite fond of the minimalistic Caldari cuisine

I cannot find the dislike button. Deteis food is the worst. Gallente food is the best. Fight me.

Civire food, on the other hand…

Okay, you got me.

I still prefer Caldari cuisine.

Question: are these fabled grey cubes solid enough to eat without silverware? Cause that actually sounds really convenient.

I thought cubes were more of a Civire thing ?

How dare you insult our nutritionally balanced diet of depressingly grey food cubes and bland white bread. Our cuisine is specially handcrafted to expunge all taste to prevent good, hardworking citizens from distracting themselves with unwanted indulgence and gluttony.

I can’t speak for the Achura, however. They always had a strange fondness for raw fish.

What a bunch of utter ignorant nonsence is this?!

The only true part in this hallucinating piece of crap is that gallente indeed are nuts about their food. They make it overly enjoyable and unhealthy for no reason, then they eat when they’re not hungry, they grow fat, unhealthy and filthy, just like swines. Pathetic hedonists. Shame.

Honestly, Diana, your insistence on eating nothing by ration bars was a key part of the inspiring this post.

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It’s better to eat bland ration bars instead of growing into filthy fat disgusting gallente swines!

Dear, you seem to be missing some commas and a capital letter.