It meant you were lost, Mr. Nauplius, and not in a trivial, wasting-your-own-life kind of way.
There’s a belief widespread in Achur practice that the spirits of the dead return to us in dreams. The spirits of especially giving, protective persons return as guardians. Particularly baneful, destructive spirits return as nightmares.
There’s an insight in this belief. A strongly protective or baneful soul, whether it’s a literal, separate spiritual existence or not, living or dead, creates its own little pocket of reality, of Paradise or Hell, of which it is the first beneficiary or the first victim.
The best guard, protect, and nurture those around them. The worst, bring, or, rather, are, nightmare. And no one is quite so trapped in a nightmare as the soul at its heart.
No doubt there are those who can take joy in being such a creature. But for all your deep-seated hate I don’t think you do, or can. At that time you yourself were horrified by your own supposed god, even as you did what you thought he wanted you to do. The horrors you committed didn’t spare you.
Morgana Tsukiyo is a strange person to cite as your mentor-- she isn’t remotely of your faith. She’s barely of mine, taking our beliefs and stripping away all sense of proportion and moderation, completely missing the point thereby.
She’s a heretic to my faith, one who makes a crown out of a belief in nothing-- a nihilist. And true to that status she mistakes being trapped in a meaningless, directionless void for freedom. She “freed” you on a whim, curious what you would do.
What she actually freed was your ego, your curse. She gave you permission to stop fighting it.
And here you are, gazing back at your horror-strewn past as though it was maybe not that bad after all.
Gods help you, Nauplius, and all those luckless souls who cross your path.