Are you Caldari enough?

Have you ever asked yourself, if you’re Caldari or not? This is easy to find out! Answer these four questions:

  1. How do you prefer to spend your day:
    A) Drinking Kaalakiota peaks vodka with friends while watching Splinterz, or
    B) Voting whole day ?

  2. What would you prefer to attend:
    A) A game of Mindclash, or
    B) Religious sermon ?

  3. What do you choose:
    A) Gambling, or
    B) Getting your back whipped after another dose of vitoxin ?

  4. What would you like better:
    A) A nice bottle of Starsi, or
    B) Dying out from unknown genetic desease?

Have you ever thought that you might be not a Caldari but some sort of a pirate in disguise? Answer these six questions!

  1. What do you choose:
    A) Filling forms, or
    B) Murdering, raping and pillaging, after that commit to most disgusting adultery just to avoid serving your duty in the Navy?

  2. What do you choose:
    A) Filling forms, or
    B) Standing butt naked in front of crowd, chanting and bathing yourself in blood of freshly killed victim?

  3. What do you choose:
    A) Filling forms, or
    B) Inhaling dimethylsulfoxide while brewing the most potent drug for your “totally legal” employer for wage that is below allowed minimal?

  4. What do you choose:
    A) Filling forms, or
    B) Use nanites to kidnap people like cattle to replace their brains with electronics, so they follow commands of your master?

  5. What do you choose:
    A) Filling forms, or
    B) Trafficking mindflooded exotic dancers, then huffing that mindflood yourself to bamboozle to degree you start thinking that it’s you who are being trafficked by exotic dancers?

  6. What do you choose:
    A) Filling forms, or
    B) 011001000110100101100101001011000010000001101110011011110110111101100010 ?

Now, if you have all the perky A, and not a single stinking B…



… oddest recruitment drive in known history, candidate A …


It Seems that I would Not be a good Caldari on account of my Faith.


Nearly all of these I think most people would answer ‘erm, neither?’ to honestly.

Though I guess if I had to choose, filing forms is less unappealing than the other options there. Not that I like it, but I do seem to find myself doing it very often.

The first section … well. guess I don’t have a strong dislike for Starsi, but for the rest of the choices, B tends to sound at least mildly, and in some cases a lot, more appealing that A.


I mean, I’m not Caldari, but let’s do this.

  1. I haven’t had Kaalakiota Peaks, but all vodka tastes like ass (give me a smooth Vherekior whiskey any day). Also, I do enjoy fulfilling my democratic duties, so I’ll go with B.
  2. Mindclash, easy. A.
  3. I mean, B sounds kind of kinky, but I don’t want to go anywhere near vitoxin. Guess I’ll take A.
  4. Starsi is definitely better than death, but that’s not saying much.

As for part 2, I would obviously prefer to fill out forms than do all those horrible things.

So… I’m almost Caldari enough, despite not being Caldari at all? I guess, except for the part where I can voice my opinion of my leader without fear of reprisal, I do not constantly judge people by where they stand in some hierarchy, and I have an actual family.

I can’t speak for myself (I’m Gallente, and therefore probably discounted in your estimations), but I showed this to my adoptive brother, who is Caldari. He says, and I quote:

“While I have little love for Splinterz, I do think that maintaining an active role in businesses and organizations under your control is a definitional part of ownership. And indeed, shareholder votes can sometimes take all day.”

I do believe he’s been served Kaalakiota peaks vodka at some of those meetings, so you tell me what to make of the first question.

He also thinks the implication that vodka and paperwork are quintessential parts of the Caldari identity is very funny.

Already enlisted!