I have a much easier time organizing my thoughts when I speak them. No matter if I’m bouncing ideas off of somebody or rambling to myself, the act of speaking my mind just seems to make all the thoughts swirling around inside my head just a little bit more manageable. The problem I’m facing today is that the thoughts I’m trying to work through are once again those of which the idea of speaking out loud sends chills down my spine. As that is the case, I’m going to be writing them down for you, my dear Diary.
It’s been some time since my last entry. I hope you’ll forgive me, old friend. I’ve been quite busy trying to deal with the Triglavian invasions. Unsuccessfully in many cases, mind you, but I’ve been trying so very hard. Today though, that’s not what I’m writing about. As you know, my beloved friend, I’ve often turned to you when I need help on Theological matters. Well, I need your help again today.
Don’t worry, though. As usual, you don’t need to say a thing. Just listen, okay?
I was born into what I would call a traditional Sarumite family. I was taught that it was my duty in life to bring all those not of the Faith into the Light. I was taught it was for their own good. I used to dream of a day when all humanity would be united in the Faith. Now, though… I don’t think that’ll ever happen. What’s more, I don’t think there’s any real evidence that God particularly cares that we ever are.
The Scriptures were forged over a long period by many of the bodies and protocols that put people like the Red King, Karsoth, and Chakaid into power and there’s nothing to suggest that the organizations, policies, and people involved in the processes at any prior point were free of the corruption that’s so obvious today. In those Scriptures, True Amarr are held up as superior to all others but If my repeated failures taught me anything, it’s that neither my blood nor my ancestry makes anyone anything other than human. What’s more likely is all that Scripture that elevates those that look like me was probably simply written by those that look like me. Critical examinations of many passages in the Scriptures have made me come to the conclusions than many of verses were written as they are by people in order to control others or empower themselves.
What good will it do anyone to bring them into this fake Light? None. It doesn’t help anyone. Fake Light won’t help anyone See. I still believe in a God, but I don’t think I actually know what that God wants. I’ve come to the point where if somebody does good things, I don’t actually care what their Theological beliefs are and I think to assume that God does is to assume God to be petty. When, and where somebody are born seem to be the biggest correlating factors in what they believe and I don’t think God is going to reward or punish people based on dumb luck.
I still believe in a God but perhaps not the same one. This old one was just the face of evil with an eerily familiar mask. Pure Thought is not the Instigator of Sin. Free Thought is not the Begetter of Disorder. Uniform Thought can lead to justifying atrocities. I’ve been there and done that and I pray I maintain the strength needed to never be there again. Make no mistake, it is strength that is needed to avoid falling into that pit. I still from time to time look down into that pit. But when I do, and I see those that I once looked up to wallowing around in the mud at the bottom… it only makes me realize how lucky I was to have been helped up out of it.
When I was making my way back home from Domain, after Harva fell to the Triglavians, there was one thought running through my head. “The golden skies aren’t pretty like they used to be.”