Doping Scandal Hits Kingdom Snail Racing Festival!

Shocking news reaches Gutter Press of a doping scandal at the snail racing festival on Neyi IV !

The popular festival consists of several prize races for a number of different size classes of Udorian Land Snails, from miniature snails of less than 10cm, up to the “Unlimited” category of 2metres or more.
The sport is widely covered in the Kingdom, with holovision audiences in the millions.

Drugs !?

Following several reports by spectators and snail owners about “anomalous behaviour” of some competing snails, officials investigated, with several snails in the “Unlimited” category testing positive for “performance-enhancing substances”.
Race officials declined however, to state the exact nature of the performance enhancers, citing “privacy concerns”.
Investigators from the sport’s governing body state that their investigations are “proceeding slowly at this early stage”.

Violence !

Meanwhile, local police reported a higher than average number of arrests at the festival for “public drunkenness, brawling, and licentious behaviour”, while local hospitals reported a number of injuries classified as “crushed by runaway snail”, after a racing snail broke loose from its handlers and leapt into a spectators area.

Opinions !

“What is the world coming to ?”, asked one concerned citizen.
“Always a profitable time for me, when the snail racing circus is in town”, said a local salad vegetable farmer.
“We should punish the Sabik worlds for this. Not one blade of grass left standing, not one brick left upon another”, opined a retired Royal Khanid Navy officer.
“I’ve been to snail racing meets in Gallente space”, said one snail owner. “They had nude ladies wrestling with snails. It was the most depraved thing I had ever witnessed. Thank God that doesn’t happen here.”
“I lost eight hundred billion ISK betting on the races this time around”, said a well-dressed monocled Amarr capsuleer.

In Other News:
Jachanu V Coastguard investigating reports of “giant fetchcarp staring at beachgoers”.
Khitaled capsuleer carves asteroid into bust of King Khanid III using mining barge, rogue drones seize asteroid.
Sabik “queen” Synthia of Kaztropol “rescued after hours-long ordeal trapped in garden maze”.
Kingdom Equine Society report “remote” possibility of “reconstructing some Uhlan bloodlines”, following genetic survey of backwater planets.

Gutter Press. News.


what a waste of time i came here for snail on snail violence


Is nothing sacred anymore?


I sure hope Synthia was okay.

Getting lost in a garden maze of all things. I can’t imagine how traumatizing that could be.

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Don’t get this kind of nonsense in the Sarum circuit’s Hound race tracks.


This is a sign from God that the Khanid people must turn from degenerate, imported, foreign sports and instead embrace our ancient traditions like yak polo and two hump camel racing.


The Amazing Maze is surprisingly complex, now that it’s grown taller than 25cm, which is when I first saw it.

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In retrospect I shouldn’t have bet on the snail with the nice shoes but instead chosen the one on the electric scooter.


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