I have gone through what you are experiencing.
I had doubts.
Lost faith in myself.
But, I read James’ writings. I studied CODE.'s killboard for inspiration.
And yet, I lacked the confidence I could make a difference.
Until one day, I ran across him.* His name was so vile, so repugnant, I could not believe the universe itself had permitted his inception.
And, my temper knew no bounds. In some way I had no choice. I had to act. I had to gank this social miscreant. I had to let this character know there were those who would take a stand against this solecism.
I made 16 jumps, grabbed the only ship I possessed I thought would do the job and went back. He was still in system.
He…with his name. His corp mates were there. And I doubted. My fury and indignation had got me this far; but I doubted.
Could I do it? Could I gank this character whose only reason for existence was in giving offense to all those who witnessed his passing in local? Was my faith strong enough in my cause that…that faith would take me one necessary step further?
I knew that if I did not act, at that moment, no one would…and this I could not bear.
So I fired. I fired in anger. I fired in despair, in disappointment, and in faith. Faith that I could make a difference, even if that difference was made only one gank at a time.
Look within, Aiko (if I may call you Aiko), and recognize that faith, (even if you cannot muster it for yourself), but Faith in Your Cause will carry you forward.
You can do this. You can.
Because the sacrifice of your doubt, in yourself, is a worthy offering…to your Cause.
And your Cause is worth it.
*I am not a member of CODE.; but have sought inspiration from their actions in my own personal crusade against c/rudely named characters frequenting the space lanes of New Eden.