A post made on a GalNet forum made for venting
[TW: mental disorder, PTSD]
First things first, I’m not here looking for support, validation, or sympathy because I know I’m not going to get any here. I don’t even know if you’ll believe me. I just want to get some things off my chest.
I was born on Intaki Prime, and I am an Intaki. I’ve always been wary of the Federation given its history of meddling in the affairs of other races and especially what the ultra-nationalist regime did to members of my people and other opponents, although a few years ago I considered it not such a bad government compared to others like the Amarr Empire, I was even willing to recognize that they were quite useful by helping us develop technologically faster than if we hadn’t met them.
But that changed in YC110 when a new war against the Caldari was declared. I don’t know who I despise more, is it Heth, who provoked the attack that started this war and caused the Intaki system to end up in the warzone ? Or that idiot Foiritan, who added fuel to the fire by declaring war in the name of the so-called good Gallente justice that, as we all know, has brought so much good to the cluster ? This justice is such a joke.
I decided to join the Federal Army to do my best to protect Intaki from the Caldari, because at least the Federation of this time somewhat respected the autonomy of its member states, unlike the corporate scums on the other side. I couldn’t accept that my home planet would become the property of a megacorporation. I did this reluctantly, I would have liked to resist locally, but I thought that joining the army of one of the empires would give me more opportunity to serve my people and my system.
I met people, I cared about some of them, I lost some of them too. I saw gruesome things happening to the enemies, to my allies, and to my friends. I had to face Caldari spies and traitors. I also lost a leg in combat. I’ve had several close calls with death.
I think all this has messed up my brain. I was always in survival mode, even when I wasn’t fighting. I was always expecting an attack and I was suspicious of everyone. I sometimes had flashbacks and trouble sleeping. The more time passed, the more I hated the Federation, the State, and those who supported them.
All this continued until August 11, YC124, when those damned feds run by the vermin that serves as their president “liberated” Intaki to brutalize it themselves. That was the last straw for me. I realized this day that I was mistaken, that the federation wouldn’t ever help my people. I deserted and joined the Free Intaki Army to do what I should have done all along. Now that the Caldari were out of the picture, it was time to fight our true enemy of old, to show them that Intaki belongs to the Intaki. I was much more comfortable within the Free Army despite my problems connecting with people, I felt like I finally found a place where I belonged, with people who really cared about our homeland. I started to feel better although I wasn’t really healed. I wasn’t fond of autonomists, I found them too passive, too pacifist, too weak. When the Free Army declared a ceasefire, I didn’t agree with it either and I continued to commit acts of violence clandestinely, although I appreciated their endorsement of the Lamkatka party. I somewhat liked this party, but I didn’t find it radical enough either, we had to get all the feds out of our homeland if we really wanted to be free.
The Automated Industry for Democracy and United Response Acts further angered me against the Federation. I realized that the Intaki and their homeland would not be liberated by the Free Army or the Lamkatka Party. When the Deathless Circle and their goal of fighting the corrupt empires was revealed, I realized that they were the faction that would free us. I tried to encourage other members of the Free Army to ally with the Circle, but most of them called me a “nutjob,” an “extremist” who didn’t care that the Circle and their pirate allies were hurting innocent people, including fellow Intaki. I responded that when you fight, there is always collateral damage, that this is how war works and there is no point in complaining about it. When they began to see me as “too radical,” I deserted this “army” of weaklings to join the Circle.
When I first arrived on the Fulcrum, after experiencing the awe of entering a Jovian station for the first time, I felt a strange sensation. A strange, oppressive feeling when I looked at the vast voids that were within the station. It was like diving into the ocean, looking down and not being able to see the bottom, only darkness. As time passed, I began to feel watched, spied on. To use the ocean analogy again, it was as if I knew something was hidden in the depths, that I knew it could see me but I couldn’t see it. I felt goosebumps and chills down my spine when this happened to me. Seeing that I wasn’t the only one there experiencing a similar sensation reassured me, as did the fact that I was truly on the same wavelength with the members of the Circle. I was invited to relax over drinks outside of operations, which apparently eased the feeling of being watched and lost in a bottomless void. Although I accepted several times at first, I accepted less often later because I was afraid of becoming too dependent and addicted to it, or even that it would spiral out of control. I wanted to remain useful and able to work, and not aggravate my problems. I hadn’t yet overcome my social problems, and I was still afraid to open up in case I had to face traitors again.
I also felt that my PTSD symptoms were becoming more severe over time, and I felt even more often that I was being watched. I became even more suspicious and less open to people. I feared that most of the people I knew were spies for the SoCT or CONCORD, and that they might assassinate me in my sleep. I definitely stopped going to bars during this period. I spent less and less time with my colleagues and “friends”. I’m afraid the Drifters will come back and kill me. I’m afraid of hurting my comrades in arms. Even when I’m alone, I always know that something watch me all the time. I am now afraid to go to the bathroom, or do anything intimate because I know I am being watched but I don’t know who or what. I feel like I am not just having flashbacks anymore, but actually seeing the things I saw and experienced in reality as if I had traveled into the past, it’s like hallucinations. I am afraid that I will not be able to be a good fighter anymore. I am afraid of doing something stupid and not being able to go back this time. I can’t take it anymore, and I feel like whatever is watching me is with me in this room as I write these words.
[Comments are locked]
you deserve it
put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger if you feel that bad you scum
fake
You’ve got some nerves, joining a terrorist group and coming here to cry about how unhappy you feel in your station of terrorists and human traffickers.
You should write books, but please avoid advertising yourself here.
Know that your creator will welcome you if you repent of your sins.
Who cares, go be a priest somewhere else.