Jetcan people

So, dear word warriors. There’s a new nice incentive by the Republic to “come for our people” in the form of mustard and ketchup skins and other irrelevant stuff; I’m KOS in the Empire but I’ll try it anyway just because I approve of the idea. But the topic I’m offering here is not about YC 120. It’s mostly… existential, like a what if forum post rpg, or something.

Imagine that you are a slave, held in a deadspace facility by the local pirates for profit. What twist of fate brought you to this is up to your fantasy. Suddenly, a capsuleer appears and destroys the facility. You and a number of other people end up in a jet can that the capsuleer ignores. You just float there among the ruins, knowing that you have about two hours of oxygen left.

In the jet can, there are:

  • Three alive “Exotic Dancers”, one Brutor and two of mixed stock; plus one dead (neck broken. Gallente.)
  • One “Slaver” (who is in fact just a very, very scared Ni-Kunni janitor from an Amarrian ship, but he wears a robe and never was to Republic Lowsec before);
  • Two “Militants” (Angels, most likely the security personnel. They’re the only ones who have firearms);
  • A “Minmatar Civilian”, incapacitated by the explosion.

There are about 5 l of water, 2 h worth of oxygen in the can (there is also a portable regen unit floating around; it can provide up to 8 more hours worth of oxygen), no food except the dead blue-haired girl and very little chance of surviving this.

The “Minmatar Civilian”, in facts, is about as “blind” and “incapacitated” as Mizhara Del’Thul when baselining. He’s a RSS agent. But his jetcanmates don’t know this, of course.
The Ni-Kunni janitor is 18, has a breakdown, a booster withdrawal and a knife and is about to go berserk.

Try to imagine yourself in that situation. How would -you- survive this, if there is any hope of surviving this at all?

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Short of maybe using some of that oxygen supply to provide thrust towards a possibly still-functional piece of the facility… there isn’t any surviving.


I was expecting some kind of bob ross style tutorial on how to craft a person from a jetcan and a few dead slave torsos.

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Slander and defamation. I’m perfectly harmless, everyone knows that.


In less than a hour everyone will be saved by janitors who would be alarmed that there was catastrophic event and one of the structures missing from a system.

If not, nobody would found out anyway.

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Eight hours is enough time that there’s a reasonable chance of a ship coming by looking for any valuable salvage among the debris and flotsam. You’ve got another hour if the janitor snaps and the security personnel put him down. Even better if the janitor fatally stabs somebody before being shot.

If things break your way you’ll get out alive and with a story to tell. Plus, you were enslaved by pirates and then left for dead by a dispassionate demigod after he/she/it blew up everything around you. Seems to me that you’ve got all the bad luck out of the way.


As a Sani Sabik aspirant i’d try to seize a weapon while the armed militants arent careful kill them both then do some very naughty things to everyone left including that corpse.


kill em all, then top myself and death clone back to my medical facility.

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M’Lord Tash-Murkon, I can assure you that killing people will not improve the air quality in any way. Within a couple of hours that decomp in that little jetcan will make you WISH you’d choked to death.


Well … really might be less the decomp, which takes a bit to really get going, and more the “stench of death”: urine, fecal matter. Maybe other stuff.

Death’s one of those things that’s not as tidy as people like to make it look.


Okay, yeah, points taken. If it turns out that the odor is overwhelming I’ll open a door for some nice fresh hard vacuum.


Some morbid part of my mind entertained the notion of marketing jet can survival kits, with a very effective filter mask included at the top of the list, predicated on that singular thought alone…


Pray for deliverance.

One or other of the relevant Saints will intervene.

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What’s needed is a machine that processes farts and decomp and churns out breathable air.

And a welding torch - for shoring up the seams of the jetcan, because those things do not do well in vacuum for long periods.


I blame you, and only you, for continuing this line of thought, brother.



Never not blame Pieter.


Given how large of a percentage of the human body is water, that might be gruesomely easier than it sounds…

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I’m assumin’ it ain’t despawning.

A jetcan has a volume of 27.5km³, which’s a metric ■■■■ ton of space. We gotta assume the whole can’s filled with air, otherwise no one’s gonna survive even for half a minute. The average lung breathes in around 500ml of air, of which’s on average 20% oxygen. This 2h left of oxygen is absolute bull.

When ya’rr breathin’ out again, ya also breathin’ out most of the oxygen you took in just before. Only 5% of the oxygen breathed ‘s actually bein’ consumed by the body. Assumin’ that there’s zero air movement besides the one they’re causing ‘emselves, all they’d need to be fuckin’ doin’ is movin’ to a different fuckin’ spot and they could keep that up for long enough to ■■■■■■■ die from dehydration.

But they ain’t need to be moving 'cause of a lack of oxygen.

And if that wasn’t the worst of all, no one’s ever suffocated from a lack of oxygen. Ya die ‘cause usually ya’rr bein’ locked in a tight ass room and long before oxygen runs out the co2 poisonin’s goin’ to kill ya. In a 27km³ jetcan that simply ain’t gonna happen with only a limited supply of fluid.

I’d survive 'cause I’m smart. First I’d kill everyone to make sure I’ve got enough resources. Then I’d figure out a way to filter most of the crap out’a their blood to make it drinkable. With that I got tons ‘a dead meat and several liters of some fluid i can drink. Blood’s mostly water, ya know. Just need to get the fuckin’ crap out’a it.

27,500m³ isn’t 27.5km³. That would be 27,500,000,000m³.


I’m certainly used to being a whipping-boy.