We, the authors of this text, hereafter referred to as the party of the first part, take no responsibility for any foolish, stupid, or otherwise asinine actions taken on behalf of or in the name of our cause, organization, factions thereof, or the beliefs held by said organization, and contained within this tome by the readers thereof, hereafter referred to as the party of the second part, or anyone they might tell about it, hereafter referred to as the party of the third part. Any such actions committed by the party of the second part are, as expressly put forth in this document, being considered fair and clear prior warning, are solely the responsibility of the party of the second part, and the victims of said action, hereafter referred to as the party of the fourth part. The party of the first part will accept no responsibility for these actions, and wishes to clearly and concisely express our disapproval of this sort of behavior. The clear and plain statement of our disapproval is the primary function of, and can be found most easily in this document.
Any actions taken by members of this organization, hereafter referred to as the party of the fifth part, on behalf of said organization, hereafter referred to as the party of the sixth part, resulting in the causing of problems for said party of the sixth part, this text, the party of the first part, or anyone even remotely connected to any of the parties in question, hereafter referred to as the party of the seventh part, will result in immediate and lasting excommunication from the party of the sixth part. Any actions taken by individuals not of this organization, hereafter referred to as the party of the eighth part, which results in the causing of said problems for said party of the sixth part, text, party of the first part, party of the seventh part, or just about anyone else will be punished by a swift and lasting excommunication as well, regardless of mental trauma, anguish, or other angst this causes. These actions fall under the category of asinine, and, as such, fall under the clearly stated clauses within this document expressly forbidding that sort of thing and exempting the authors and organization from any responsibility, or wrong-doing, real or imagined.
The party of the first part also wishes it to be known that any offense or offenses, imagined, actual, or otherwise, inflicted by the statements, theories, Holy Mysteries, and/or dogma contained within this text, are purely coincidental, and as such, not the responsibility of the party of the first part, or the party of the sixth part. Should any party, among those mentioned above or otherwise, imagine itself to have been insulted by the aforeto mentioned statements, theories, Holy Mysteries, and/or dogma, the party of the first part wishes it to be known that it heartily endorses and suggests, for the personal well-being of the party imagining itself to have been insulted, that said party should immediately and at once seek the help of a good therapist, hereafter referred to as the party of the ninth part, and, in the event that this fails, the party of the first part wishes it to be known that, given that this document clearly exempts them from all fault in this matter and makes clear the lack of insult or derogatory statement contained within this tome, they most gladly would be willing to give the above stated party the phone numbers of three or four really good lawyers, hereafter referred to as the party of the tenth part, who can look over this and tell the party that, with all due respect, the party is out of the party’s head, and, in that event, should go back to the part of the ninth part for a good, long chat.
Any jihads, crusades, or other holy wars embarked upon by or because of members of the party of the sixth part, including those embarked upon due to imagined insult from the above listed statements, theories, Holy Mysteries and/or dogma, are the sole responsibility of those partaking in said jihads, crusades, or holy wars, hereafter referred to as the party of the eleventh part, as they clearly and distinctly come under the categorical grouping of asinine actions, as listed in the first paragraph of this document, and as such, the party of the sixth part is not liable for any injuries, death, or general unpleasantness on the part of said party of the eleventh part, or their victims, hereafter referred to as the party of the twelfth part.
Any miracles described within this tome or by the party of the first part are genuine, and the party of the first part wishes it to be known that the consumption or partaking in of any recreational pharmaceuticals in order to experience said miracles, visions, or anything even remotely similar is severely frowned upon. The party of the first part does not condone, encourage, or themselves partake in the use of various recreational pharmaceuticals, legal or il-… despite how it may seem, other than perhaps the occasional beer, or maybe a friendly bottle or seven of Absolut or Jack. Any reports to the contrary are false, and, should the party of the fifth part, or any other spiritual soul whose fulfillment and satisfaction stem from the teachings of the part of the first part, or the party of the fifth part, or just think we’re cool, take it upon themselves to burn such rumor-mongers at the stake, well, we told you so. But it’s still not our fault.
Any attempts at suicide or other homicidal actions undertaken to experience the afterlife are also considered stupid by the party of the first part, and, as such, are not only actively frowned upon, but, given the failure of the individual, hereafter referred to as the party of the thirteenth part, can be considered grounds for excommunication. Should the party of the thirteenth part be successful, well, he/she/it/they who may or may not be Kellhain, hereafter referred to simply as he/she/it/they who may or may not be Kellhain, being or not being the supreme being, can deal with the party of the thirteenth part then. In case of emergency, dial local authorities. Should the party of the thirteenth part involved in said homicidal or suicidal actions seek to involve the party of the sixth part, the party of the first party would like to refer you most respectfully to the first sentence of this disclaimer.
Given the often obscure meanings of normal metaphysical manifestations and revelations, it is also advised that the party of the second part, being the readers of this tome as set forth in the first of the preceding paragraphs, hereafter referred to as the paragraph of the first part, not take the miracles, visions, manifestations, or other revelations too seriously as these are merely the personal interpretations of the contributing member of the party of the first part who jotted it down at the time, and, as such, those member of the party of the second part which are inclined to question such things, hereafter referred to as the party of the fourteenth part may notice the same event being interpreted in differing and potentially conflicting methods by differing (and often conflicting) members of the party of the first part.
Any other problems, difficulties or troubles you may have which you feel may be linked to this text, the authors and publisher thereof, this organization, its founders or its members are purely imagined, and, as we consider imagining up new problems, given all the real ones in the world today, to be quite asinine, fall under the opening clause of this document, which clearly states that it is, in fact, none of our responsibility, and it’s your own damn fault.
-The Scriptures, The Book of the Disclaimer