The capsule ejected from the burning hulk of Barney’s My Little Pony-themed Iteron Mark V. Small flames licked at the edges of the reinforced polymer, painting a flickering, ironic glow on the purple figure strapped inside.
“I love you, you love me, we’re a big happy family! With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you… BAM! YOU’RE DEAD!” Barney screamed into the comms, his cheerful veneer cracking under the stress. His voice, usually a comforting, sing-song baritone, was now a strained, desperate squeak.
“Barney! Calm down! We’re inbound!” Baby Bop, codenamed for her penchant for oversized Brutix-class battlecruisers, barked over the comms. “Just hold on! Keep your shields up!”
Barney frantically fumbled with the capsule’s controls. “But… but these weren’t supposed to be gate campers! They were… they were pirates! They wanted my… my PIE!”
Indeed, his cargo hold had been brimming with Exotic PIE – Planetary Interaction Extractor. The most delicious, most valuable PIE in all of New Eden. Barney, the gentle purple giant, had become infamous in his corner of nullsec, not for his PvP prowess, but for his surprisingly efficient PI farming. He’d envisioned sharing his PIE with everyone, making New Eden a happier place, one delicious byte at a time.
But then came the Gnashers. A ruthless band of Triglavian Collective aligned pirates who preyed on the vulnerable. They saw Barney’s hauler as an easy target, a purple Piñata filled with delicious loot.
“They were spitting Triglavian goo all over my paint job!” Barney wailed. “And they called me… they called me a Carebear!”
BJ, piloting a sleek, black Manticore stealth bomber, chimed in. “Ignore them, Barney. They’re just jealous of your superior logistics skills. Bop and I will have those frigs scrap metal in no time.”
Within moments, Baby Bop’s Brutix jumped into the system, followed by BJ’s silent Manticore. The Gnashers, caught between the hammer of Bop’s overwhelming firepower and the anvil of BJ’s precise torpedo strikes, started to scatter. Barney watched, his capsule still under fire, as laser beams carved fiery patterns in the void.
“I love you, you love me… TAKE THIS MISSILE UP YOUR BUTT!” Bop roared, obliterating a particularly persistent Thrasher.
BJ, ever the professional, simply whispered, “Target destroyed.”
The remaining Gnashers warped away, leaving behind a trail of burning wreckage.
“Barney, are you okay?” Bop asked, her voice softening.
“I… I think so,” Barney stammered. “Just a little crispy around the edges.”
“We got you, Barney,” BJ reassured. “Dock up at the POS and we’ll get you a new ship. And plenty of PIE.”
Back at their Player Owned Structure, a surprisingly well-decorated station filled with plush toys and motivational posters, Barney lumbered out of a brand new Iteron Mark V. He patched up the hull with duct tape and slapped a fresh coat of purple paint on it.
“Thanks, guys,” he said, his voice regaining its familiar warmth. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“No problem, Barney,” Bop replied. “Just remember, New Eden can be a tough place. Even for purple dinosaurs. But as long as we stick together, and keep an eye out for those Gnashers, we’ll be alright.”
Barney smiled. He might be a target, a Carebear, a purple anomaly in the brutal world of EVE Online. But he had friends, loyal friends, who were always there to protect him. And as he warped his new Iteron back to his PI farm, he knew one thing for sure:
“I love you, you love me, and we’re gonna defend this PIE! Pew pew!”