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“Children are the future! As much as the wider cluster finds it hard to believe, many Gurista have started families of their own and given birth to a new generation that will grow up to replace them! It is important that we instill in them important lessons and help guide them so that they may raise the bar for the Guristas when they come of age! Problem is… The Guristas are lacking in that department, I didn’t have the most thorough education and I had to be entertained by cartoons made by the State and Federation when growing up. The Guristas need their own kind of media to show children so we can teach them right and mold them to be their very best in a entertaining way that appeals to their childlike sensibilities… If no Gurista will do this, then I will…”
- Suha Raibuya
“Contrary to popular belief, I consider pornstars to be athletes, not actors.”
July 21st YC 122
6NJ8-V IV - The Rabbit’s Warren Fortizar, Office of Venal Prosperity Agency Head Director Utatis Parinen.
“A children’s show!”
“A… Children’s show?”
“Yes Utatis! A children show! Something that can be recorded and distributed to the colonies in Venal.”
“Curious… I don’t think anyone here has ever considered making a children’s show…”
“You don’t think it’s bizarre, do you Utatis?”
“Oh, I think it’s an absolutely strange idea.”.
“Well don’t! The State, Federation, Empire and Republic all have their own little shows and cartoons to give their children to educate and entertain them. Why shouldn’t the Guristas have something similar?”
“Well it’s not that they shouldn’t Suha, it’s just… Well, what did you have in mind for the show?”
“Well, seems obvious that the show should be about the misadventures of a pirate crew, no?”
“Sure - About the only thing about the Guristas you could make a show about.”
“Right! And with that premise we can do a lot! We can build excitement in the youth to grow up and join the ranks! We can have the crew go up against threats like zealous Amarrian Slavers! Rogue drones! Mega-Corporation tyrants! Federal Tax Collectors!-”
“Oh, the worst kind of evil…”
“- We could have a diverse crew of characters, people hailing from all corners of New Eden who’ve abandoned their national identities so they can be who they really are deep down!”
“Teach kids individualism?”
“Correct! Oh! And that’s just the start of what we can teach them! We can teach them about firearm safety! Self-Reliance! Economics! Empire propaganda! And weights!”
“Well that all sounds ni-… Wait, why weights?”
“Well it should be important to understand weight and volume so you can know how much loot a ship can carry.”
“Fair enough-”
“-and so they know the different weights for buying and selling blue pill or crash! Oh Utatis, I was soooooo embarrassed when I first got some blue pill and didn’t know how much a quarter kilo was!”
“…”
"… Did I say something wrong?
“… Do you know how much a quarter kilo is now?”
“Two hundred fifty grams or eight-point-eighty one ounces.”
“Just checking, well no - I guess there’s nothing wrong with that… Odd, but if you think it’s worthwhile information for the youth to know… Anyway, you’re bringing this to me so I’m assuming you want me to help you scout out talent for this show of yours.”
“If it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle Utatis…”
“Well it wouldn’t be a hassle for me to help you, but it would be a hassle to find actual talent appropriate for a Guristas oriented Children’s show.”
“How so?”
“Well… Okay, so the Lord Gozmos talks? That worked because he is down with the Guristas lifestyle…Or at least pretends to be down with it. Children show actors are pretty innocent and good natured people that probably wouldn’t sign on to come shoot a children show in Guristas space to MAKE a show for Gurista children. They would sooner sign in to do a show that demonizes the Guristas.”
“Then we’ll just find some talent that’s local.”
“Well of course, but this region isn’t exactly filled with holo-reel actors.”
“Well what about pornstars?”
“What?”
“I see them advertising themselves over the Prosperity Network.”
“You want to have pornstars be your actors in a children’s show?”
“We gotta make do with what we have, no? They already have experience acting on camera! They’ll do just fine as actors…”
“Contrary to popular belief, I consider pornstars to be athletes, not actors.”
“Oh! Teaching children about exercising and athleticism is another lesson we can bring up in the show!”
“Suha - I kinda find using pornstars for a children show to be… Inappropriate.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re expertise is getting ■■■■■■ in the ass and not teaching children the alphabet or math.”
“Well sex education is another topic I think is important. Should be informing children to explore their sexuality and about contraception to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies. It be nice to have some experts on the subject!”
“I… Alright fine I won’t argue with you on that. However I hope you’re not planning in having them ■■■■ on camera for children to watch?”
“Oh no, we’ll save that for the adult cut.”
“… What?”
“I mean we could use their ‘specialities’ and have them have sex. Have a version meant for adults to watch and an edited version that’s more suitable for children.”
“Suha, I’m sorry - Are we trying to make a porno here, or a children’s show?”
“Why not both? If we make characters that the children will love and idolize, it would be a treat for them when they grow older and get to see their favorite characters get ■■■■■■ in the ass!”
“… Sure! Sure… Why not? But uh - How do you even make this work?”
“Easy, we’ll just cut out the sex scenes and instead have little intermission segments. I’m thinking cute little cartoons about Fatal and The Rabbit that portray some of their exploits in humorous and lighthearted ways.”
“Alright, so now we need to track down an animator. Do you want voice actors? Because I have a concern…”
“Go ahead.”
“… Do we have the Rabbit with the stutter, or with his stutter fixed? The latter I feel would be inauthentic while the former will most likely get the entire producing crew whacked.”
“Tsk, would he be that insecure about it?”
“Think it’s worth the risk?”
“No… No, I don’t think it is… Alright, We’ll just have cartoon segments without voices overs. That should work, right?”
“Should.”
“Excellent!”
“So does this show of yours have a leading star character? If so, what traits are you looking for?”
“Oh, I’ll be the lead character.”
“…You?”
“Yes! Something wrong with that?”
“…No, in fact that’s probably the best role for you. You got the energy and passion for this project and you got a face that children can like.”
“Awww, thank you Utatis.”
“However, I’m I to expect you to be apart of this uh ‘adult cut’ you have planned?”
“Oh heavens no, I don’t have that kind of stamina… Besides, I prefer to be a tease…”
"Right… Well I’ll tell you what. You get me a script or screenplay, some character bios, and I’ll get to work tracking down the most suitable candidates. Sound good?
“Sounds marvelous!”
