"... It's a dating app now?"


“Love is in our nature as humans! It is important for everyone to find someone that they can attach themselves to, to experience the feeling of finding someone that completes them. Such a search can be long, tedious and even demoralizing at times. Maybe it’s not even love some are looking for, maybe they’re more interested in pleasure, to enjoy the features and characteristics of another’s corporeal form. Whatever it is they’re looking for, if I can help them find it? I will.”

  • Suha Raibuya

“… It’s a dating app now?”

September 12th YC 122

BV-1JG, Gurista Fortress - Troop quarters

“Oh! Ooooh! Oh my god, you dirty dirty bo-”

“Helton, why the ■■■■ are you talking to your neocom like that? You’re weirding me out dude…”

“Bro! Take a look at this… Tell me that’s not the hottest piece of ass you’ve ever seen.”

“Little too masculine for me dude…”

“Oh put aside your heterosexual sensibilities for a second a take a moment to appreciate perfection.”

“… Sure, he has a nice ass. Why are you showing me man ass all of a sudden? I don’t show you any of the ■■■■ I beat off to.”

“Because this ain’t porn! This is someone’s profile gallery… And holy ■■■■ is it juicy! Oh god damn…”

“Profile gallery? On what?”

“The Prosperity Network! They just dropped an updated not too long ago to include a matchmaking algorithm.”

“… It’s a dating app now?”

“Guess so! It’s entirely optional, asks you for additional Information about your preferences before it starts linking you up with people. I gotta say that it’s pretty damn accurate in what I like… Just look at the abs on this guy! I just run my fingers through the cracks…”

“So along with helping me find guns and drugs, I can get some ass too?”

“Well I’m about to get some ass soon if I’m lucky… W-What do I say to him?”


“Well i gotta message him! Gotta come in with a strong opening, get him interested in me as I’m with him…”

“I don’t ■■■■■■■ know!”

“Come on, it’s no different talking to women. You gotta have something to say…”

“Uh… Nice ass?”

“Noooooo, too forward… I can’t come off as thirsty.”

“You’re practically parched right now.”

“I know! it’s killing me right now… I can’t let this one get away from me. I gotta have him! And you gotta help me!”

“Why do I gotta help you?”

“Because I’d do the same for you! You gotta do the same for me bro.”

“W-Well when you put it that way… Alright uh… Does his profile tell you anything about his interests?”

“He likes long zero-G walks on the moon, tequila mixed margaritas and raiding Wiyrkomi corporate shipping lanes.”

“Not a lot of information to go off of.”

“It’s all we got! And I’m fine with that, I love a good mystery!”

"Okay how about… ‘You may not be New Eden’s most wanted, but you’re number one on my list.’ "

“Oh! That’s good! That’s real good! But is that good for an opening? I think opening with a pick-up line is a little cliche…”

“Then just open up with some casual dialogue?”

“Ehhh, I don’t want to sound like a bore… I gotta open up with something that grabs his attention.”

“Send a picture of your dick.”


“It would grab his attention…”

“I can’t let him think I’m only interested in sex! That be shallow of me…”

“Isn’t that the whole point of this matchmaking ■■■■■■■■?”

“It can be! I can look for ‘Short-term’ or ‘long-term’ partners and it’ll pair me accordingly.”

“Is this a short-term match?”


“Ooohhh, looking to settle down are we…”

“I’m just tired of the one night stands… They don’t do anything for me anymore. I want to find someone to call my significant other.”

“What if his entire profile is ■■■■■■■■ and these aren’t even his pictures and he’s actually someone else?”

“Then I’ll kill him.”

“…Wow. That escalated quickly.”

“I’m serious! You gonna ■■■■ around, lie to me and get my hopes up? I’d ■■■■■■■ slit your throat for that ■■■■, don’t play with me… I’m not that kind of guy.”

“Alright, alright, alright! I gotchu…”

“Ugh! Why is this so hard?! This be much easier in person, but I got no way of tracking him down and meeting him in person. I gotta have faith my message will have the right tone when he gets it so I CAN meet him in person.”

“Just ask him out for a drink at a bar! Go to the ■■■■■■■ uh… Hissi Fit lounge on the logistic station in 6NJ. Just be casual and unassuming about it, you gotta figure out who he is and he gotta figure out who you are - don’t overcomplicate this ■■■■ with you needing to make a first impression right away. If anything, you need to come at him with a plan of what you can do with him and not waste his time with ■■■■■■■■ ice breaking dialogue.”

" < sigh >… I think you’re right! I’m just gonna tell him that I find him interesting … That I have these days off and if he’s interested we can go grab a drink…"

“There you go, keep it simple and come at him with a plan.”

“… Sent!”

“There, was that so hard?”

“Yes it was! That was incredibly difficult! However - I’m happy I had you to go to for help, really means alot to me bro.”

“Sure, sure. No problem…”

“Maybe you should set up a matchmaking profile! Who knows? Maybe you’ll find true love though it like I hope to…”

“… Eh, love ain’t the kind of thing i feel is optimal for this kind if work.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… What’s to say I do have someone fall for me, but the next day I’m iced by Capsuleers or arrested by the State? Why give someone that burden of pain to deal with?”

“I feel like we still gotta learn to love… it’s part of who we are as humans. There’s some fulfillment in finding someone that brings out those feelings in you.”

“If you say so…”

< Neocomm notification alert >

“Oh ■■■■!”

“That was quick.”

“… It’s him!”

“What’s it say?”

“… Yes! ■■■■ yes! We got it! Whoo!”


“■■■■ yes baby! We’re in! Mission is AGO!”

“Haven’t seen you this amped up in awhile…”

“He said he’s free this Wednesday! Even added in that I’m real cute even! I knew those pictures I put up were good!”

“Well, I’m happy for you. Hope he ends up being the one for you.”

“Thanks bro! Thank you so much for helping me out! You’re the real MVP.”

“I try, I try…”

“Now you gotta help me pick out my outfit! I’m thinking of keeping it professional like I’m still on the clock, but casual enough to know Im still ready to have a good time…”

"This is gonna take awhile…’


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