What is gaslighting? And how do you know if it’s happening to you?
It’s an unfortunate reality that happens in personal relationships and by public figures to the peoples they serve.
Recognizing that you yourself or someone you care about might be in a “gaslight tango” is not always as straightforward as it might seem. Blend Images via Getty
“Oh come on. I never said that.”
“You’re just being overly sensitive.”
“I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this…”
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Gaslighting usually happens in a power dynamic, but it’s not always intentional or malicious
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Be wary of gaslighting if you start to question yourself a lot
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How gaslighting happens
==>>> Withholding (meaning he or she refuses to listen or says they don’t understand)
Countering (when the abuser questions the gaslightee’s memory of an event)
==>>> Blocking/diverting (when the abuser changes the subject or questions the victim’s thinking)
–>>> Trivializing (making the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant)
–>>>Forgetting/denial (when the manipulator pretends to have forgotten what actually happened or denies something he or she had previously agreed to)
And note that a gaslighter will oftentimes start with something that is true that you might be particularly sensitive about to hook you. …
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Signs you’re a victim of gaslighting
- You’re constantly second guessing yourself or have trouble making decisions;
- You’re ruminating about a perceived character flaw (like being too sensitive or not a good enough person);
- You feel confused about your relationship (if you find yourself thinking: “I thought I had this great husband, but I just feel crazy all the time” or “I thought I had this charming partner, but then sometimes I feel like I’m losing it when we’re together”);
- In a confrontation with the person that might be gaslighting you, you feel like you suddenly find yourself in an argument you didn’t intend to have, you’re not making progress or you’re saying the same thing over and over again and not being heard;
- You feel fuzzy or unclear about your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs;
- You’re always apologizing;
- You’re frequently making excuses for your partner’s behavior;
- You can’t understand why you’re not happy in your own life; or
- You know something is wrong, but you just don’t know what.
What to do if someone is gaslighting you
1 Identify the problem. Recognizing the problem is the first step, Stern says. “Once something has a name you can being to address it specifically and granularly,” she says. (Sometimes writing down specifics from a conversation that you can look back to later — when you’re out of the heat of the moment — can be helpful in sorting out the truth from distortion, Stern suggests.)
2 Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Part of the problem with gaslighting is that it results in the victim questioning his or her own thoughts, values, perceptions or feelings. Acknowledge that what you feel is what you feel so that you can take whatever action you need to take to feel better.
3 Give yourself permission to make a sacrifice. Part of what makes it tough for a victim to leave a gaslight tango is that the abuser is someone they care about, they look up to, or they have a relationship with. “You may have a lot of wonderful things going on in that relationship,” Stern says — but it’s not worth it if it’s undermining your reality. And to start to regain your sense of self that you’ve lost, you may need to cut that person off, give up some of those wonderful things, or live with that person not having such a high opinion of you, she says.
4 Start with making small decisions. To get out of or to stop a gaslight, take one step at a time, Stern says. Say no. Don’t engage in an argument that’s clearly a power struggle.
5 Get a second opinion. Ask a friend or family member you trust if they think your thinking is as off as your potential abuser says it is.
6 Have compassion for YOU. “Having compassion for yourself is super important,” Stern says. You’re responsible to you. You need to be honest with yourself, Stern notes. Maybe tomorrow your partner will be great, but focus on what you’re feeling in the moment, she says. Recognize when you have those feelings: “Right now this feels like sh-t. He’s driving me crazy.”
MORE MENTAL HEALTH HELP
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If you’re alienated from society and, you didn’t alienate society or members of society by alienating them of their right, it means that the society which is alienating you is wrongfully alienating you.
If you forfeited your rights because of offense you did against society which did forfeit your rights,
which actions were not caused by others against you,
such as if they wrongfully charged you of common nuisance when you were attacked,
and they tried to silence you from talking about those attacks and reporting those attacks to the proper authorities,
which proper authorities then tried to attack you to discredit you of your reporting it to them,
then, you are wrong,
but, if they are wrong, when you were attacked, and not attacking them,
and trying to make you seem as if you were attacking them,
when you were defending yourself against their attacks,
about how they tried to alienate you illegally,
then they are are wrong.
You can also forward the evidence to better authorities,
as those authorities who discriminated against you are also illegally discriminating against other people,
and you would be doing them a favor to report them,
to fix the problem they get paid to cause,
which is not right, a fraud, and abuse of taxpayers money.
