My blood runs cold, the imaginary voices in ma haid were right, I was wrong, but I got lucky

high-sec
pvp

(Orbit Arbosa) #1

For some reason, the imaginary voices in ma head only manifest when I play EVE. Sometimes my ship talks to me too. Not quite like this ship Maria or Marla?. Whatever man. I am confused as to exactly what his ship’s name but they have a relationship.

TL;DNR? skip to the end and read the last three sentences.

My ship is formal. Very formal. The kind of formal where you just know people use when they just do not want to say what they really think.

But not the voices in my haid. Abusive, scornful, insulting … constantly denigrating me, showing off their superior education while subjecting me to a shower of abuse.

Like that unfortunate event at Jita where my Tornado nearly got pwned by a flashy yellow Breecher cunningly named bait.

I got saved when a Fireball and some other fast frigate targeted him and he let me go to deal with them. Because otherwise I was dead.

Anyway,

Recently I was in my Tengu and I warp to a site and find two others there. Then I got a private convo. Please help me kill this guy who has a kill right on him. He has been stealing all my kills.

So immediately the voices in my head start up. Kind of like this: Oh and I use (x) because when they all start screeching an yelling at me I can not tell one from the other.

IVx It is a trap!
IVx No!
IVx Do not do it!

Dood goes flashy yellow.

Ship : Put some range between us.

So I target the ship … it is an Onyx? Something like that, and he is taking damage, and he is pointed by the Stratios. Welp, I am not set up for PVP but at the rate he is taking damage, this will go fast.

IVx You imbicile!
IVx We are going to die!
IVx OMG OMG OMG
IVx Once again Orbit the perpetual noob is going to get us killed.

Ship: Range range, more range then open fire.

OK … so eventually I open fire and yep! He is going down. Then all of a sudden he is not. His shields are going up as a matter of fact.

Ship: Target is ignoring the Stratios and heading towards us. Advise evasive maneuvering NOW! I suggest you initiate warp. This 10mn afterburner is incapable of maintaining range.

IVx I told you.
IVx OMG OMG OMFG
IVx Oh Bob we beseech thee. Have pity on us poor sinners. Why has thou inflicted us with this moron?

I initiate warp.

IVx YOU MORON!
IVx YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOT
IvX Oh Bob, praise be thy name, what have we done to deserve this?

Just for that I cancel warp. Shoot some more. Nope shields still going up.

Ship: I strongly urge you to warp out before he gets any closer. Otherwise we are going to get pointed.

OK fine. I target the closest warp location, initiate warp and take a bookmark.

IVx TURN OFF THE AFTERBURNER YOU PATHETIC BRAIN DAMAGED WASTE OF SPACE
IVx OMG OMG OMFG
IVx He is trying to get us killed.
IVx Yes he is. He has a death wish!

Sheesh! Ok he is 23km from us before we finally get into warp.

IVx Wait! What!!! He is warping us to ZERO at the SUN!!!
IVx OMG OMG OMFG!!!
IVx With all the possible places he can warp to on the “Pod Saver” overview he picked the sun?
IVx The sun at zero no less.
IVx Oh Bob, blessed be thy name, we beseech you. Save us from this diabolical mainiac.

With all the yapping and yelling and general crying and screaming I got a little confused … erm distracted! Yes distracted. Geeze. No biggie. With a little luck they will never figure out that I warped to zero on the sun. Who does that anyway? Everyone knows you NEVER warp to zero at the sun.

Me: Relax people, as soon as we land I am going to bounce back to 100 km off from where we we last at.

IVx He is going back!!
IVx OMG OMG OMFG!
IVx It might work! Who would be crazy enough to do that?
IVx Praise Bob! Praise Bob! Bob save us!

Ok so I land at the sun. Bounce back 100km from where I initiated warp. There is no one here.

IVx Get out of here.
IVx Dock up.
IVx Warp to a safe spot.
IVx OMG OMG OMFG!
IVx Oh Bob! We beseech thee. Have mercy on us sinners now.

OK fine. I select a bookmark of a wreck in system from a site I previously ran and warp to there.

Me still in convo with my new “friend” Her: I do not blame you for bailing. He had a lot of tank. Me: Once he started heading my way I figured it was time to go. Too bad it did not work out. Laters.

So I wait out the timer. Meanwhile the screeching from the IVx gradually ceases and they go back to discussing arcane crap. I ignore them. Kinda successfully. I have a lot of practice doing this. Mind it is easier when they start discussing Critical Theory, Cultural Marxism, Foucault, Derrida, deconstruction, texts, and a whole bunch of word salad I do not understand and have zero interest in. I figure they are just showing off. Displaying their superior education, vocabulary, alleged refined taste and intellect. Whatever.

OK time to head home. So eventually I see in local … (name blanked because reasons)

[15:31:44] Xxx Xxxxx Orbit Arbosa Never do that again!!!
[15:32:07] Orbit Arbosa Xxx Xxxxx ?
[15:32:55] Orbit Arbosa Xxx Xxxxx Do what again?

No answer. I get a funny feeling. That name? When I looked at the limited engagement timer was that name on it? Or was it not? What was he talking about? He did not say. How do I know?

But I got a funny feeling.

A few days later I check up on my new “friend” on Zkill Board. I see she teamed up with the same guy we attacked to kill someone else.

My blood runs cold. It was a trap. And I fell for it. Fortunately I was not logged on to Eve when I discovered this because I am certain that otherwise the autistic screeching from IVx would have been unbearable.

Praise Bob for small mercies.


(Mortlake) #2

To be honest, I didn’t think this could get any worse… and then you brought autism into it just to finish it off.


(Jonah Gravenstein) #3

The opening post is like an Asylum film, a cheap knockoff; unlike an Asylum film it’s not funny, in any way at all.

1.02/10


(Ralph King-Griffin) #4

Wow, crime and punishment has taken a real dive.


(Minx Mattel) #5

I don’t get it, in what way is this related to ganking in general or CODE. specifically?


(Ima Wreckyou) #6

Nothing exploded 0/10


(Yozo Ellec0n) #7

Not sure if this is a meme, autism or schizophrenia.


(Noragen Neirfallas) #8

I think everybody is being too critical of this tbh.
4/10

-2 for no dragons


(Hipqo) #9

I hope all this happened in a wormhole, since you started praying to Bob…
Otherwise i will get the pitchfork now HERETIC!!


(Lenneth Invicta) #10

I am autistic and this is beyond retarded.


(Solstice Projekt) #11

Thank you for the effort.
I see where you are coming from and what you are trying to achieve.

Please try again, maybe next time will be better.


(system) #12

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