2023.05.30
LUMINAIRE VI, ESSENCE
The Gallente Federation Trade and Beverage Administration has opened an investigation into the soft drink “Soda Vacante” amid reports that the strawberry-flavored beverage exceeds regulatory limits for stimulants in a fizzy soda. Recently released by the Amarrian Orthodox Church, Sedevacantist, Soda Vacante was also approved for sacramental use by the Church’s so-called “Doctor of the Faith”, notorious capsuleer Nauplius. Church critics, however, averred that the Church needs to drug its own parishioners during the sacrament so that they don’t fall asleep during the Church’s sermons.
Asked about the controvery, actress Mayumi Sasaki, who has starred in song-and-dance holocommercials advertising Soda Vacante, enthusiastically supported the the product. “They gave me Soda Vacante to drink during the photo shoot — that’s closeups of my eyes on the can,” said the starlet. “I didn’t get tired at all, and I had so much energy we filmed some holocommercials right afterwards! I suggested they expand the line with some more flavors, but they said it was important that it only be strawberry because that’s what my character in Eyes for Faith would drink.”
Spokesperson Calyce Io denied any wrong doing on behalf of the Amarrian Orthodox Church, Sedevacantist, whose slogan Sede Vacante — meaning “The Throne is Vacant” — inspired the name of the new soda. “We have obeyed all applicable Federation laws with regard to Soda Vacante”, she said. “Obvious, Quake Corporation is working behind the scenes to remove a competitor to their inferior product. We’re going to keep pushing Soda Vacante into new markets with even more advertising featuring Mayumi.” The Gallente Federation Trade and Beverage Administration refused comment on an ongoing investigation.