Akadeimia Keipouron: We'll teach YOU HOTT Space-Knowledge Sexytimes!


(pictured: you, in space, which is big and lonely)

So, like,

you know what is your very favorite thing, if you are A Troll? It’s when you’re flying around, and you find these noobs, and they’re just sitting there, the dummies, being “carebears” or whatever; and you run in, blow them up, yell something grammatically questionable about “harvesting tears” and then fly back to high-five your buddies about how you “cucked” them. It’s the best!¹

You know what isn’t fun for you? It’s when you go to do that thing, but instead of exploding in a shower of sissy-bits, those noobs come charging out in combat ships, and they are better at it than you, and you can’t shoot them because your ship has been transformed into a rapidly expanding ball of new and exciting forms of matter and you are in your pod, and now (plot twist!) you are the cuck!²

Well!

Akadeimia Keipouron SVK (“Gardeners’ Academy”) is a corp dedicated to helping you, ambitious pilots, on your journey in New Eden, and we provide you with the tools to get there! We want to help you become your Best Self, and that means teaching you how to shoot the bejeezus out of Those Reds right in their stupid face, with missiles!

What can we do for you? Let’s sexsplore, together!

Like that shipcaptain you met at a party that one time who made you feel all kinds of new and confusing feelings, we treat you right. Look at what we offer you!

  • Free delivery of up to 160k m³ of your stuff into our space from hisec!
  • A solid, step-by-step skill-plan to get you into into ships from the first week, the first month, the first year.
  • Hands-on training! We believe you learn best by doing, so you gain practical experience from the start.
  • All the skillbooks you need, all the ships you need for doctrines, on hand at reduced/no cost. Ships pre-fit to simplify your life.
  • Ship Replacement Program to reimburse losses (so you never can’t participate because you lost your only ship).
  • An extensive network of citadels, industry, mining.
  • Lots of targets to shoot for content fights.
  • Lots of different ways to get spacerich. Nullsec anomalies, faction spawns, hacking, you name it! #werk
  • We do not require you to attend anything mandatory! There’s always plenty to do, but we’ll never force you to do things, because we understand you and respect your boundaries.

We live in Immensea, where there’s lots of HOTT nullsec sexytime action to keep you stimulated! And if you want to help rid New Eden of noxious trolls and terrible pvp (you do!), we have a forward staging on the edge of Providence, part of a network of NRDS alliances working together to liberate it from Those Reds (who have usurped it and turned it into a barren wasteland filled with suck). We have lots of opportunities for fights in every direction! We are part of the United Reclamation Front, and our alliance (APOC) has a large and diverse family of corps at all hours of the day to help you. It’s a vibrant, active space, with lots to see and do, and plenty to learn!

Are you that special someone we’ve been waiting for all these years to show up in our lives and spark joy? Maybe!

You:

  • Want to step out of hisec (to make more ISK, to get more fights, to be part of something greater)
  • Want to work with a great team of pilots, have a positive attitude
  • Want to learn, and want to share what you’ve learned.
  • Want to have an active role in your own EVE journey (not just cannon fodder, but actively doing stuff)
  • Are from any timezone (though we’re especially interested in Pacific timezones [North American West Coast, AU, China/Japan/RoK])
  • Are at least (roughly) three months old (do some tutorial missions!) so you know the game a bit
  • Have an omega account
  • Can use voice comms (Teamspeak). A working mic isn’t required, but strongly encouraged.

Lookit all these spaceships! This could be you, holy crap!

Akadeimia Keipouron, and our parent alliance, are awesome people who explicitly recruit pilots from all backgrounds and identities. We actively seek pilots from underrepresented groups, and promote an environment of mutual tolerance and support. We don’t tolerate hate speech, discrimination, bigotry or general douchebaggery. You won’t have to put up with bile-spewing s**tlords with us, because those losers get booted. Hop on comms and enjoy the sound of people not being jerks!

How to Apply:

  • Contact Elassus Herron in-game, either via mail or in our public channel (Gardeners’ Embassy)
  • Visit our Discord! Akadeimia Keipouron SVK. You can hang out and serve up dog memes all day! We love that stuff!
  • Submit your character(s) for auditing on our auth page: Login - APOC Auth.
  • Once you’re accepted, we’ll walk you through getting out to our space and set up.

Are you New At This, but want to Experiment?

Don’t worry! If you are a brand-new pilot, or an alpha pilot, or not sure if you are “hot” and “ready to party” just yet, we have just the place for you! Anybody, at any skill level, is welcome to join our sister corp, Svalbard Nursery SVK! You can visit their Discord here: Svalbard Nursery SVK. Of course, we are BFFs with them, so if you like working together and feel ready to take the plunge, graduating to AKS is easy!

Join our corp! We’re here to make your EVE journey the best, and we’ll pamper you all day like some sugar-daddy. Not like those trolls you just blew up with the ship we gave you, who don’t understand you. They aren’t your real dad, and don’t really love you.

Unlike,
EH


¹ We mean, of course, besides eating your own poop, which Those Trolls have been proven, by SCIENCE, to love more than anything else in the whole universe.
² Of course, since we are decent people we don’t use “cuck” as a pejorative, because we don’t have some weird obsession with other people making sweet love to our partners, probably while we watch and feel self-loathing shame. But they seem to care an awful lot about that sort of thing, and so we take pleasure in thwarting their efforts at forced cuckoldry.

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Recruitment is still open! We’re looking forward to working with you!

Recruitment is still open! Drop by and say hello!

Recruitment is still open! I updated the advert to make it better, because I’m thirsty like that and want to pique your interest!

recruitment is still open! Drop in and say hi!

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recruitment, like learning, is a lifelong process! We’re still at it!

Recruitment is open! Come be that special someone who brings joy into our lives!

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We’re open! We even updated our ad a little bit, because we love you and only want the very best for you!

We are still, as the kids say, here for it. Come say hi!

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Recruitment is open, hurrah! Come visit and ask us about our vitamin regimen!

We’re open to trying new things, meeting new people! Come get to know us!

Don’t forget to set your clocks! Don’t forget to come visit!

Wow, I was not ready for Daylight Saving Time :frowning:

Come help me recuperate from this awful mistake!