The Noh Federation Presidential Platform

Deepest oceans, freshest fish.

Execs can and do. We simply don’t have hereditary execs like our allies do.

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Except space cuttlefish are not ocean cuttlefish.

Excellent, darling! I have good standing with Ishukone. Exemplary, nay, exalted, even. That might be with a different division than the one which makes political decisions, but I’m sure they chit-chat.

Should Ishukone want to dip a toe into the Capsule Marques Program waters, I want to reiterate that there will be no standing requirements for the blind auction. Old Mammon Moneybags Sarpati can put in one or a hundred bids on spots, megacorp executives can bid, or even you, darling - yes, even for systems in the federal sphere. Absolutely anyone.

Furthermore, there are synergies with my other proposals.

As part of the Intaki referendum, systems which voted Leave would be given an opportunity (an opportunity, not an ultimatum) to join the Program.

And you yourself could find interesting synergies, Diana sweetie.

One feature of my proposal to reclaim federal sovereignty from CONCORD is the Freedom Entrepreneur Initiative. While the “green zone” would be a manufacturing utopia, it would also be a bit dull. To improve upon that, isolated hubs hidden among snowballs on the veritable edge of interstellar space would be “overlooked” by the AbsoluteSafety™ Drone Assisted Civire Trained Always Deployed Special Weapons And Tactics Ordered Liberty Strike Squad (ASDACTADSWATOLSS). These hubs would be reachable only by hidden gates in Federation low security space - ordinarily extremely difficult to scan down.

However, not only could Marques potentially improve their scanning capabilities, they might even construct their own hidden freedom gates. Tremendously valuable consumer goods are limited in supply and have a way of selling out. A dedicated freedom gate would give freedom enterprising Marques first mover advantages.

And just between you and me, darling, I have it on excellent authority that, among the fabulously valuable Gallente consumer products on offer, are (I scarcely dare say it out loud) those delightful oscillating Thorax models (in a variety of flavors). You know the ones, dear. Think about the possibilities. You could have all the oscillating Thorax models, ensuring none fell into the wrong hands.

I am concerned that the lack of Deities oversight will cause this whole venture to implode in on itself.

The Caldari can only function if there is Deities in management overseeing it, and filing all the proper paperwork.

Fear not, darling, the significance of the Deteis were brought to my attention in a previous thread.

I refer you to Paragraph 1 of my Capsule Marques Proposal (emphasis added):

I’ll simplify the Caldari hierarchy for you.

The Archura strategize and plan the attack, they submit the request to the Deities who will then submit the proposal to board review (all Dieties, by the way), along with filing, copying and submitting all the proper paperwork.

Once the board green lights the plan, the Civire are given clubs, pointed in the right direction, and let loose to do the clubbing.

After which, the Dieties file more reports on the strike and the Archura review the data and make adjustments to future plans.

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I have been taking notes along the way, darling! Note that the AbsoluteSafety™ Drone Assisted Civire Trained Always Deployed Special Weapons And Tactics Ordered Liberty Strike Squad (ASDACTADSWATOLSS) is “Civire Trained” and not “Civire Led.”

And although I do not explicitly reference her in the design of my various political initiatives, my Caldari Graduate Assistant is Achuran, and I have depended on her for adding and subtracting large numbers for decades.

I have only recently become familiar with the Saan-Go (I confess I had to look that up), and have added a delightful young woman named Hani Yuan to my team as Chief Of Staff. Now my Chief Of Staff and Graduate Assistant are almost certainly plotting my downfall, but they will make the plan too complicated and it will probably fail.

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Well, thank you for the offer, but I am an adult. Playing toys is for kids, and I have destroyed mine.

Although it is true the genetically engineered Saan-Go professional caste actually determines everything that happens in Jin-Mei society, they will not plot to remove you from power in a literal sense.

Over thousands of years, members of the Sang-Do (much higher up than Favored Grandchild) have come to accept that their role is to pick from options prepared by the Saan-Go. The Saan-Go make sincere efforts to produce a comprehensive slate. When they are ready to present solutions, they file into an assembly pavilion and debate. The pavilion’s ornateness rises with the authority of the deciding aristocrat.

The Saan-Go use these debates as bureaucratic arenas, and they are masterclasses in the use of language and gesture. Each syllable must be inflected precisely in order to direct the flow of the presentation. An error in inflection, or a poorly executed gesture, results in significant loss of status. The debates can get quite heated.

Listening with quiet dignity is the Sang-Do’s sole expected contribution.

At the end of the debate, the Sang-Do picks from the presented options. When the decision is made, the Saan-Go execute a choreographed bow and praise the aristocrat’s wisdom.

Because no solution is ever complete, whatever has been decided will prove to be wrong in some way. The Saan-Go are insulated from blame, because it was the aristocrat who decided. The aristocrat is insulated from blame, because it was the Saan-Go who presented the options. A new set of options are crafted, and the process repeats.

The goal of your Chief of Staff will therefore be to do everything possible to keep you in power, while also doing everything possible to ensure you do not interfere in option crafting. Of course, you will interfere, and she is therefore plotting The One Thousand And One Drifting Petals. In Jin-Mei space, these distractions employ enormous numbers of Jing-Ko artisans, and drive a significant percentage of the Jin-Mei economy.

I am not that familiar with the Achura (other than State Hero Kim), but based on depictions of them in animated holoreels, I suspect any drifting petal distractions they might come up will indeed be “complicated.”

Also be warned that if you actually become President of the Federation, your Chief of Staff will insist on the construction of a truly ostentatious assembly pavilion for your cabinet meetings. It might involve the remodeling of an entire planet (employing a staggering number of artisans from diverse constituencies with advantageous electoral participation histories).


This does not spark joy.

Occasionally Hookbills too.

Although I am confident ocean cuttlefish are joyful not to be in space, that does us little good against the unseen threat to our civilization.

Because I agree Civire traits will do well against that threat, a few weeks ago I engaged an orphan of that denomination and connected her with Federal Customs agents in Luminaire. They are orbiting Caldari Prime in a station which contains, among other things, the priceless wormhole biological samples given to me by a generous woman named (with fabulous appropriateness) Gaia.

As mentioned in conversation with Diana sweetie, Luminaire will be the first member of the AbsoluteSafety™ Drone Dome Shopping District (ASDDSD), and therefore represents the perfect place to mix customs agent peanut butter with Civire-trained sniper chocolate.

The customs agents have requested an uncomfortable number of missions involving Mordu’s Legion. That’s regrettable, given the greater context. I tell my Civire orphan she can just decline the requests. But shooting targets chosen by authorities, regardless of who the targets or authorities are, does seem to come naturally to the Civire population.

I’m sure everything will work out.

Just yesterday, the authorities selected narcotics traffickers as targets instead of mercenaries. In one instance, my Civire orphan was asked to intercept a Serpent convoy carrying snake people terrorists. In Luminaire! The nerve. In another instance, she was tasked with blowing up an unlicensed pharmaceutical operation of that same organization.

After neutralizing the convoy, she recovered twice as many terrorists as the customs agents were expecting. They allowed her to keep half of them. That half was transferred to me, on account of my greater experience in the domain of providing hangar accommodation services. After neutralizing the unlicensed pharmaceutical operation, my orphan rather unexpectedly recovered several crates of holo reels from the wreckage.

I wonder what stories these snake terrorists and holo reels might tell about current events.

Speaking of current events, I like campaign posters so much, I just had to have one:

I wanted to highlight not only the deep bonds of mutual affection with my Sisterhood, but my growing admiration for Jin-Mei culture. It distresses me more and more that I was not born a genetically engineered professor of bureaucratics. What my opponent has called “clown makeup,” however, is in fact related to an ancient art form shared by both the Jin-Mei and Caldari cultures.

97 out of 100 anthropologists agree the two civilizations share at least one common ancestor. Of course, my opponent is a washed up hustler with addiction issues, so it goes without saying he would be unfamiliar with the traditions of societies which place premiums on order.

Did you realize that if you draw out the first syllable of “order” it sounds like “ore?” As I understand it from eavesdropping on Snowflake sweetie, miners are the foundation of the Federation, its bedrock, and as one of the fuzziest teddy bears in space, I am first and foremost a miner.

If you play games with the second syllable of “order,” you can make it into “dur.” As in “durable.”

In that way, “order” becomes a symbol of the genome behind the Federation Itself.

“Ore-dur! Ore-dur!”


Angry Exchanges in Republic Between Minmatar Clans of Skarkon II and Gallente Academic Over “Planet Not Worth Fighting For” Comments
The Scope

Although “Not Worth Fighting For” is less than diplomatic language, prudent leadership requires recognizing stars should not turn corpse purple.

Based upon my experiences disintegrating myself in Abyssal Space a few years ago, it seems entirely plausible to me that a bubble of alternative universal constants, necessary for transforming the host star into a furnace capable of feeding Triglavian addictions, will eventually expand to a point where the systems in question become isolated wastelands not even Triglavians can abide.

I applaud the courage and tenacity of those fighting the ravenous locusts to preserve what remains of their worlds - for the time left to them. But when the disintegration bubbles grow too large, the locusts will simply move on and we’ll be stuck with the wastelands.

As President, my policy focus would therefore be on developing stellar fortification and decontamination technologies; as well as on bug repellent.

Oh, yes, EDENCOM. If the whole “locust invasion collective defense” thing really was an Amarrian plot to gain some advantage through, I don’t know, technology transfers or what have you, and it all ended up costing the Tribal Confederacy the fewest systems and the State (by far) the most, I’m not sure I follow.

My Sedevacantist cultist constituents insist this simply proves the Empress is the Sanmatar’s romantic lingerie kitten and that the throne is empty. That can’t be categorically ruled out, but I’m getting a strong space cuttlefish false flag vibe. The Deep Bureaucracy is putting forward this ridiculous scenario in order to distract from its own sinister agenda. The bog must be drained.

Still, as either an Amarrian plot to destroy the State or a false flag, it is clear EDENCOM has become a liability. Consequently, congruent with devolving the policing functions of CONCORD to a national agency, as President I shall likewise transfer EDENCOM’s federal portfolio to a suitable cabinet officer.

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